


To sleep, perchance to dream

by ElixirBB



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse, Blood, Effie is a tribute, F/M, Fighting, Fire, Gore, Killing, Mention of sex, Murder, Role Reversal, also i took some creative liberties, biker!gang, hopefully this doesn't scare people off!, modern!AU, normal Hunger Games stuff, tigger warnings include
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-22 23:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4855484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElixirBB/pseuds/ElixirBB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every night she dreams and every night it’s different. In which, Effie dreams of a different life five different times and one time she didn’t have to dream at all. AU…kind of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We're their living sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> The song in this first chapter is a different version of the Hanging Tree by Tyler Ward and Alyson Stoner. The title is taken from William Shakespeare's, Hamlet. So, not mine!

_Out of the East never see the sunrise_

_Spoon fed peace, swallowing knives_

_We know that promise is sweet,_

_But it’s laced with venom_

_And we’re their living sacrifice_  

* * *

 

It’s the same thing every night, but different dreams.

 

She’s almost afraid to go to sleep.

 

And then she thinks the only peace she’ll find, is in her dreams.

* * *

 

_She grips the windowsill behind her so tightly she thinks she’ll break through the rotted wood. Her back is to the window, terrified of what she’ll see. She chews her lip until the taste of blood invades her mouth and she thinks, rather bitterly, that she should get used to the taste, smell and feel of blood, because it’ll be her only constant for however long she’s deigned to live._

_She’s already said goodbye to her parents and little sister. She watched them sob and she hugged them back tightly, hands gripping the backs of their shirts and trying to memorize every curve and the sound of their voices, because if she’s going to leave them for the god-forsaken arena, she’s going to remember every single inch of them._

_(She didn’t cry and she thinks that has to stand for something.)_

_And then he comes in and blows everything out of the water. One look at him sends her whimpering and she starts shaking, almost uncontrollably. Her vision starts to blur and soon all she can see, all she can smell, all she can feel, is him, pressing her between the windowsill and his body, clutching her as if it’ll be the last time he sees her and she thinks it may very well be._

_(It’s been so long since a tribute from District 12 won and she hardly thinks that a girl from town will be the next Victor.)_

_“Stay alive.” He hisses in her ear and he grips her tighter, crashing his lips into her temple and she grips back just as tightly. “Effie. Effie. Effie. Look at me. Look at me.” She wants to tell him that she can’t because all she sees is his blurry outline from all her tears and why can’t she stop crying? “You need to stay alive. You need to come back to me. Come back to me. Okay? I need you to fight.”_

_“Haymitch.” She sucks in a sob and almost chokes. “I’m going to die.”_

_“No.” The sound is feral, like it’s being ripped out from his throat. She can feel his hands grip her face and suddenly she’s looking into his very grey eyes that she lost herself in last night. “You are_ not _going to die. You are going to live. You are going to_ fight _. You are going to win. You need to win. Effie. Please. I lo-”_

_“Time’s up.” The Peacekeepers come in, one grabbing Haymitch and pulling him outside. He’s still screaming for her to_ live, _to_ fight _, to_ come back _and all she can hear in between that is ‘I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.’_

_Effie boards the train with three other tributes (it’s the Quell and she’s never felt death so acutely as she does now.)_

_She sits down, numbly, watching as their escort scurries around the train, clapping his hands, his hair a bright shade of blue that doesn’t quite match the smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. She leans her head against the window, watches her family sob and watches as Haymitch breaks through the crowd, staring at her with imploring eyes._

_(“Do you love me?” She asks him quietly, arching her back, dull nails digging into his back._

_His hair is getting unruly. It sticks to his head in matted sweat as he buries his head into her shoulder, leaving little bit marks that will make her mother titter, her father furious and send her sister into a torrent of giggles. “_ Effie.” _Her name comes out like a strangled whisper, etching wordless promises into her skin._

_She doesn’t want to push him. She knows he’s not the show-your-love kind of guy and she thinks that’s what she loves most about him. “It’s fine.” She whispers back, afraid of speaking any higher, in fear of breaking the moment they’re sharing._

_It’s incredible how vulnerable he looks like this, propped above her, with every single part of their bodies touching. His hands wrap around her waist and pull her tighter to him. “You’re everything to me Effie._ Everything _.” He kisses her on the lips and pours everything he can’t say into the kiss._

_She hears his proclamation anyways.)_

I love you. _She sees him mouth._ I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.

_(It’s only until his figure is a distant blur and District 12 melts into 11, 10, and 9 that she realizes she never said the words back. She goes into her assigned room and destroys it with a fury she’s never felt before. After she’s done, and breathing heavily, she hears a throat clear behind her and she whips around and sees their mentor._

_Sal is an old man with grey eyes that have been hardened with time but when he looks at her, he looks at her like she’s his amusement, like she’s the answer he’s been looking for. He surveys the room and leans against his cane. “You’ll win.” He tells her softly, his lips moving with hardly any sound. It’s only when she looks at his lip and reads them does she realize what he’s saying._

_She never thought so before but as she sags into a heap on the floor, staring at the mess and watching Damascus, their escort rant and rave at the mess, she sees Sal slowly but surely sit down next to her and pat her knee, giving her strength she didn’t know she had._

_But now,_ now she has to win.

_If only to say ‘_ I love you’ _back.)_

* * *

 

_Sal tells her not to be stupid. He teaches her to fight in the middle of night. He tells her of his Games and he tells her of the mistakes she should never make._

_“Don’t go to the Cornucopia.” He tells her. “It’s a bloodbath.”_

_It’s the night before the Games, they’re both on the roof where there’s no chance of bugs and she knows she should be sleeping. The rest of them are and she thinks of Maysilee, the girl she went to school with and shared pointed glances with when boys kept teasing them. They never talked, not really, Effie was always with Haymitch and Maysilee was always with another crowd. Effie thinks it’s better things ended up this way._

_She thinks of twelve year old Connor and fifteen year old Troy and she thinks of how many coffins and how many families will be torn apart by this years Games and she_ hates _the Capitol even more than she did before._

_“I’m going to die, Sal.” Effie tells him, voice breaking as reality comes crashing down on her._

_(She argued against special treatment, opting for things to be fair._

_“Life isn’t fair, Effie.” Sal snaps at her. “There will be_ one _victor._ One. _Double the tributes but still one victor and I’ve got my bets on you.”_

_“_ Why?” _She asks him, exasperated, frustrated and so fucking angry._

_He points at her and smiles, all teeth, “because you’re angry and you’ve got something to fight for. You’ve got hope. Despite all of this bullshit, you’ve got hope and sweetheart, that’s not only dangerously stupid, it’s going to be the only thing pushing you to the finish line. So, you hold on to that anger. You hold on to that hope and you make it to the finish line. You win this fucking thing.”)_

_“You won’t.” He repeats. “I believe in you. Probably really fucking stupid, but I believe in you.”_

_They stand together in silence until Effie breaks it. “Sal,” she asks him, “how many people did you kill in your games?”_

_He laughs and it’s a sad, bitter laugh full of hidden remorse and barely restrained grief, “three.” He answers her. “I killed three. Nowhere near as many as others but enough for me.”_

_She nods and makes her way downstairs after he sends her down, telling her that he’ll be down in a bit._

_She gets into bed but doesn’t sleep._

_(She’ll sleep when she’s dead.)_

* * *

_The first person she kills is a career who had his hands around Maysilee’s throat. She takes the knife and plunges it into his side, yells at Maysilee to ‘_ leave! Run! _’ and all Effie can see is red. Red across his chest, red on her hands, red on the forest floor. The smell of blood hits her nostrils and she clambers off of him and throws up, wipes her mouth, grips the knife and stalks her way throughout the forest._

_(She sheds two tears that night, one for Connor and one for Troy who didn’t make it out of Cornucopia. Their faces lighting up the sky. She doesn’t know how she’s going to look their families in the face ever again.)_

_The games last one week. It’s between her, Maysilee and a girl from District One._

_The girl from District One slices her stomach open and before she can slice Effie’s head off, Maysilee jumps on her and stabs her, in retaliation the other girl snaps Maysilee’s neck. Effie howls and crawls to Maysilee, gripping her stomach, trying to staunch the bleeding. The girl from District One snarls, sways and with strength Effie didn’t know she had she takes her knife, balances it in her hand and throws it at her, landing right between the eyes, silently thanking Sal for his late night lessons._

_Both the girl from District One and Maysilee are dead._

_The cannons sound, her name is called as Victor._

_But she’s cradling Maysilee in her arms, apologizing over and over and over again. Her eyes catching the gold token pinned on her jacket._

_(“That’s a pretty pin.” Effie comments one night at the penthouse._

_Maysilee smiles softly and twirls it around her fingers. “Thanks. It belonged to my sister. She gave it to me for good luck.” She takes in a deep breath. “Effie…can I ask you a favor?”_

_“Of course.”_

_She bites her lip. “When I die,” she holds up a hand, stopping Effie from berating her, “when I die, can you make sure my sister gets the token back? I just…I want it to go back to her.”_

_“What makes you so sure I’ll be the one to giving it to her? There’s a very good chance of me dying.”_

_Maysilee laughs and it’s not bitter and it’s not angry. “No. No. I have a feeling you’re going to be the last one standing. Make us proud, Effie. Just promise me, you’ll give the token back to my sister.”_

_“I promise.” She says, her eyes straying to the gold pin, where a mockingjay stares back at her.)_

_She can hear the hovercraft above and she all she can see is red, until black spots appear in front of her eyes, her hand curling around the pin, yanking it off Maysilee’s shoulder and then there is nothing but darkness._

* * *

 

_When she wakes up, she sees Sal sitting in the chair next to her bed._

_“Sal.” She croaks._

_He looks at her with a sad smile. “Hey kid. You did good.”_

_She nods weakly. “It’s done.”_

_He gives a bitter laugh and shakes his head. “It’s_ never _done, Effie. Once you’re in the Games, you never leave.” He leans closer to her. “Listen to me, Effie. You’re life will only get harder from here. You look behind you, in front of you, beside you. You_ never _let your mask drop. You want to stay alive? You want your family to stay alive? You want Haymitch to stay alive, you do_ everything _the Capitol and Snow tells you to. I’m sorry Effie. I’m_ so _sorry.”_

_She frowns. “Haymitch…”_

_Sal sighs, “If you love him, you’ll let him go. You’ll forget he existed. You need to watch your back Effie. One misstep and the Capitol_ will destroy you _. The Games were the first step honey, now you have to live the rest of your life knowing you’ll never truly escape.”_

_She can’t give him up. She’s can’t. She_ won’t _._

_“You want him to_ live _?” Sal hisses at her and he reiterates everything back to her, as if repeating it will make her understand and the scary thing is, it does. “You want your family to live? Effie_ listen to me _, the Capitol will kill your family. They won’t kill you, they’ll kill everyone you love to make you their pet. You’ll never be free but you can give them the chance. Watch everything you say, Effie._ Watch everything _.” She has half a mind to tell him to watch his_ own _back because what_ he’s _saying could be the end of him._

_“I should have died.” She croaks, tears stinging her eyes._

_“Have you ever heard of the story of the mockingjay?” Sal asks her softly, but not soft enough and she can see the hardness in his eyes, she can see the defiance and the resoluteness. She feels her heart sink. He doesn’t wait for her confirmation. “The mockingjays were left for dead but they survived and evolved. One day, you’ll find that you survived and you’ll be_ exactly _what these Games need.”_

_He grabs her hand and slips something in it. He gives her a sad smile and kisses her forehead and it feels so much like goodbye that she wants to cry. She doesn’t. Instead she looks at her hand and finds Maysilee’s gold mockingjay pin in her palm, gleaming in gold and Effie knows her story is far from over._

* * *

_When they get back to Twelve, she comes back with three coffins. The mayor greets her but she can see that he can’t quite look her in the eye and Effie’s okay with that because she can’t quite look any of them in the eye._

_Her parents and sister nearly trip over themselves to get to her and she lets herself get lost in their embrace and over her father’s shoulder she sees Haymitch, struggling to get through. She turns her head and looks at Sal who gives her a sad pointed look. She buries her head in her sister’s hair and tells Sal she’s taking her family to the Victor’s Village._

_Sal holds Haymitch back and she hears a lie about giving her space, because the space that is parted for her as she makes her way to their new house is space enough._ Everything has changed _, she thinks as she walks away from Haymitch, her heart breaking with every step._

_She can hear him shout, I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou._

_She tells him she loves him back inside her head._

_He’s safe there._

* * *

 

_When she wakes up the next morning, something is different. Something in the air cackles with electricity and she frowns, a heavy feeling in her stomach. The sun is just starting to rise and she can feel the cold air in her bones._

_She kisses her sister’s head as she gets out of bed and shrugs on warm pants, a jacket she doesn’t bother buttoning up and boots she doesn’t bother lacing up. She checks on her parents who are sleeping soundly and walks down the stairs._

_Her heart stops and she feels her blood thump loudly in her ears as she looks at the lone white rose on her kitchen table._

_(White roses may look pretty, Sal once told her, but don’t be fooled Effie. They’re deadly. Vicious and deadly._

_It’s never done, Effie. Once you’re in the Games, you never leave._

_One misstep and the Capitol will destroy you._

_They won’t kill you, they’ll kill everyone you love to make you their pet. You’ll never be free but you can give them the chance. Watch everything you say, Effie. Watch everything.)_

_She didn’t do anything. She barely has had time to do anything but there is a sinking feeling in her stomach, in her bones, in her very soul that tells her something is_ wrong _. She stumbles out of the kitchen, knocking over a chair, swiping a vase off the counter in her haste, barely giving it a glance as it shatters. She can hear her parents get up, their yelps barely registering in her ears as she stumbles out the door, slamming it behind her. She races to the Seam, people already awake giving her a wide berth._

_She wants to lash out at them and tell them that she is as much a victim as anyone else. But she doesn’t, finds she can’t as she flings herself against a familiar door and pushes it open without knocking. It’s rude, but she doesn’t care. She’s never knocked before._

_Haymitch’s mother is at the stove and she twirls around, hand over her heart and Haymitch is in front of his mother in a second, protecting her. Her heart twists painfully, that his first instinct is to protect his mother against her._ Against her _. Against_ Effie _who has spent days with this woman, laughing and helping and bemoaning her son’s lack of manners. Haymitch drops his protective stance and takes a step towards her._

_She doesn’t know how they go from their respective places to_ this _but suddenly she’s clashing into him and he’s holding her tight and she’s shaking because she thought she lost him._

She thought she lost him.

_(They won’t kill you, they’ll kill everyone you love to make you their pet. You’ll never be free but you can give them the chance. Watch everything you say, Effie. Watch everything.)_

_Sal’s words come back to her and she pushes herself away from him, horrified that she gave them (who is them? What is them? She is so confused. She is so terrified) the leverage they needed over her. “You’re okay.” She murmurs._

_He nods. “I’m fine. Effie.” He says her name as if it physically pains him and she closes her eyes and thinks back to the night before the reaping when everything was perfect. “Sal told me to stay away from you and I don’t know who he thinks he is-”_

_And just like that a coldness settles over her again. Dread seeps into her heart. In the distance she can hear a scream and she thinks it’s her imagination. She thinks it’s her nightmares coming back to haunt her in every aspect of her life, until she sees Haymitch and his mother startle. Her own mother rushes into the house, eyes full of tears. “Effie,” she chokes out, “Effie, you need to come. It’s…oh goodness, Effie, it’s Sal.”_

_Effie follows in a hurry until they reach the outskirts of the Victor’s Village. She can feel Haymitch follow her, asking her things she can’t answer. She can see the crowd before her, she can hear the people coming behind her. She pushes her way past people and she sees her father, pale-faced and holding her sister to his chest, shielding her from the sight._

_Effie’s gasp gets caught in her throat but she manages a strangled shriek as she falls in front of the large tree where Sal’s body is swinging in the cold breeze. “_ No _.” She mumbles, grasping at the ground, “_ No. No. No. Sal, please. No _.”_

_“Effie!” She hears Haymitch yell and then she feels his arms around her, pulling her to him as she struggles against him. “Effie. Stop._ Stop _! Effie,_ I love you _._ Stop fighting me _.”_

_“Don’t.” She snarls, pushing him away hard enough that he stumbles and falls into the crowd of people. “_ Don’t. _”_ Don’t love me _, she thinks,_ I’ll only get you killed.

_She trips over her laces and leans her head against the tree, letting the tears fall. “I should have died.” She whispers into the bark as the breeze carries her confession._

_(Have you ever heard of the story of the mockingjay? The mockingjays were left for dead but they survived and evolved. One day, you’ll find that you survived and you’ll be exactly what these Games need.)_

* * *

_That afternoon, she marches into town and finds Maysilee’s sister with her friends. Her eyes are wide and she looks so much like Maysilee, it physically pains Effie to look at her. She sees Haymitch in her peripheral vision as she walks up to her._

_She stands, fists balled at her sides and Effie almost wishes she would hit her._

_“Your sister,” Effie chokes out, “wanted me to give you this.”_

_She puts the pin in her hand and Effie doesn’t wait for an answer. She doesn’t look at everyone staring at them. She doesn’t look at Haymitch who looks at her with grey eyes that tell her he won’t give up and eyes that proclaim in unspoken words, I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyou._

_She turns away and walks towards the Victor’s Village, head held as high as she can stand and eyes on the large tree on the outskirts of the Victor’s Village._

_(“The Games are war, Effie.” Sal tells her on the roof the night before the games. “Do you know how to win a war, Effie?”_

_Effie shakes her head._

_“You fight with fire. You light this entire place aflame and you burn it down because fire_ catches.”

_“You want me to set fire to the arena?” Effie asks him._

_He shakes his head and stares out at the view underneath him. “No.” He says, “When the time comes and you have to be patient but it will come, I want you to set fire to the Capitol.”)_

_When she gets home, she ignores her parents and her sister and grabs the white rose on the kitchen table, a pack of matches and stalks outside, back to the tree and stands underneath it. Sal’s body has long since taken down and taken away._

_She throws the rose on grass underneath the tree and lights a match, throwing it to the ground and watches as it burns the rose, the grass and as flames lick the tree._

I’ll bide my time, Sal _, Effie thinks as she stares at the flames,_ and then I’ll burn the Capitol and Snow just for you.

* * *

On the train, Effie Trinket awakes with a strangled gasp and Sal’s name on her lips.

 

Then she remembers where she is, _who_ she is. She is not a Victor. She was never a tribute. She was never in a relationship with Haymitch. She wants to laugh until she cries and then she wants to cry until she vomits.

 

She stumbles into her bathroom, opening her cabinets and pushing her make-up to the side until her fingers grasp a pin and she holds it to her chest, a mockingjay staring back at her.

 

_(Have you ever heard of the story of the mockingjay? The mockingjays were left for dead but they survived and evolved. One day, you’ll find that you survived and you’ll be exactly what these Games need.)_

* * *

 

_Are you, are you_

_Coming to the tree?_

_They strung up a man,_

_They say who murdered three._

_Strange things did happen here,_

_No stranger would it be_

_If we met at midnight in the hanging tree_

 


	2. It is bloody and raw (but I swear it is sweet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and song of this chapter belong to Hozier's Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene. Biker!AU

_I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful_

_Toying somewhere between love and abuse_

_Calling to join them, the wretched and joyful_

_Shaking the wings of their terrible youth_

_Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion_

_No more alone or myself I could be_

_Looks like I strayed to the arms that were open_

_No shortage of sordid, no protest from me_

* * *

Sometimes, when she dreams, she dreams of worlds she doesn’t know and things she’s never seen.

 

She doesn’t really know what to make of it.

 

(Just that she does.) 

* * *

 

_The sterile environment is familiar to her. It smells the same everywhere. It’s just the people that are different. She frowns as she looks around the office, trying to hide the disdain she’s sure is evident across her face._

_She never wanted to end up back here._

_Never thought she_ would _._

_(Leave. No one wants you here. You’re pathetic, you know that, princess? Go nag someone else, someone who actually gives a damn about your fucking sob story. You don’t know a fucking thing about tragedy, do you Trinket?)_

_“Sorry to keep you waiting, Nurse Trinket.” Hazelle Hawthorne gives her a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and Effie holds back the urge to roll her own eyes. They don’t want her here as much as she wants to be here, but there is no choice. There’s never a choice in their lives (never a choice in_ her _life. She’s bound by loyalty to parents long dead, a brother in a coma and unfortunately, a man who when he hears she’s in town to stay for an indefinite amount of time, will likely let out a barrage of other insults. Maybe he’s gotten more creative over the years. She hopes not.)_

_“Effie.” She says instinctively. “It’s just Effie.”_

_Hazelle nods, her grey eyes (such familiar grey eyes) looking her over. “It’s been a long time, Effie.” She says softly, hands clasped over the papers Effie is desperate to sign and be done with._

_Somehow, Effie thinks it hasn’t been_ long enough _._

_But Effie was raised with manners drilled into her by her mother and so Effie smiles a perfect little smile and makes small talk with a woman who has never really liked her but is now her boss. (She’d laugh if she’s not sure she would break down into tears.)_

_Effie signs the papers she needs, gets assigned a locker and has her picture taken for her ID card. She ignores the stares and ignores Lily Everdeen’s shocked look. “Did you tell anyone I was starting?” She asks Hazelle as the older woman leads her to the Nurse’s Station. She’s not just talking about the hospital and by the calculating look in Hazelle’s eyes, the older woman understands with Effie needing to say anything._

_Hazelle shakes her head. “No.” She says. “I didn’t.”_

_“I’ve never known you to keep a secret from the Club.” The words are out of her faster than Effie can take them back but she refuses to wince. Instead, she continues to stare at her. She wonders what Hazelle_ actually _knows. She wonders what everyone was told about her sudden disappearance. Was she painted as the bitch they thought she was? Probably. Effie wouldn’t even be surprised if she was painted as a villain for wanting more out of life than what the Club had to offer._

_Because Effie_ knows _the Club. And she_ hates _it._

_(Loves her brother, loves her dead father and unfortunately, still loves_ him _, but she_ hates _the Club.)_

_Hazelle levels her with a look that says too much without actually saying anything at all. “I know you’re angry,” she finally says, her eyes something close to sympathetic, “and I know this can’t be easy on you, but you will not take it out on me, the nurses or your patients.” Revealing everything and nothing at the same time. Hazelle Hawthorne always did make Effie furious. She made her mother furious too._

_“Give me a little more credit than that, please.” Effie replies. She stifles a sigh, “I…apologize for my outburst. It was rude.”_

_Hazelle laughs, tilting her head back, her dark hair flowing down her back in chocolate waves. Effie is instantly taken back to years and years ago when she was in love and had a_ family _. “You haven’t changed at all, have you?”_

_Effie gives her a small and stiff smile. “I wouldn’t know who else to be.”_

* * *

 

_(Plutarch is the one who calls her. She’s stayed in contact with him. Out of them all, he was the one who knew her father the longest. And when she left, she thinks he was the only one to know_ why _._

_“You need to come back.” He tells her over the phone._

_Effie lets out a laugh. “No.”_

_“Effie.” He says, drawing out her name in a sigh and Effie can imagine him slumped in a chair, face defeated and body boneless. She’s only heard his voice like this_ once _and that was when they told her and her brother that their parents were dead._

_“No.” She croaks out, swaying in her apartment in the Capitol. “_ No.”

_It could be so many other people but then she thinks how odd it is that her brother who calls her_ every single day _hasn’t called her for_ two _. “How bad is it?” And because she’s a nurse, Effie lives in reality and she needs to know what she’s dealing with._

_Plutarch hesitates and Effie feels her stomach plummet. “Bad. You just…you should come back. You can work in the hospital. I’ll find a position for you. I’ll talk to Hazelle. You’re listed as his next of kin still.”_

_“_ Of course I am _.” She snaps at him, “Who else would he list?_ One of you _?”_

_“Effie.” He sighs and she feels bad for snapping at him. “I’m sorry. I’m_ so _sorry.”_

_“_ For what _?” Her voice is getting louder and she knows that Plutarch doesn’t truly deserve her anger but he’s the one on the line and she’s the one who is now alone. “For dragging my father into this mess in the first place? Are you apologizing for_ killing _my parents? Because Plutarch I am not_ stupid _. They didn’t die in a car accident._ Bullets _are normally not involved in a_ car accident _. Are you sorry for my brother?_ Oh, there goes another Trinket. _Are you keeping track?_ How long until Effie goes _? Do you have a pool? I bet_ he _started it right? Or!_ Or _! Are you sorry for ruining my life? What are you_ sorry _for, Plutarch?”_

_And because Plutarch has known her since she was a young girl, he doesn’t say anything and lets her yell. “You’ll never know how sorry I truly am.” He sighs. “I’ll talk to Hazelle. Get yourself on the next train. Come back home, Effie.”_

There is no home to return to _, she wants to tell him. But she doesn’t. Instead, she heeds his orders because this is the life she’s always known._

_And she_ hates _it.)_

* * *

_She’s on her break but doesn’t go to the break room. She doesn’t go outside with the other nurses who ask her to; instead she enters the elevator, presses the 12 th floor button and waits. She leans against the wall, feeling the cool metal and she slumps into herself. She can almost hear her mother reprimanding her for her sloppy posture but Effie can’t bring herself to _care _. She looks up when the elevator dings and she smiles at the nurses, doctors and visitors who enter the elevator as she leaves._

_She makes her way past rooms and rooms of patients and she stops dead when she sees two young men standing outside a room. Her heart sinks when she realizes whose room they’re standing in front of._

_They look up when she approaches and the blonde one gives her a genuine smile. “Effie!” He exclaims, spreading his arms and wrapping them around her waist without waiting for her response. She softens and hugs him back, arms wrapping tightly around him. She had hoped against hope that he wouldn’t be dragged into this life. She should have known better. Hope was never kind to her._

_The taller of the two stares at her, eyes hard and so much like his mother’s. Gale Hawthorne, while incredibly handsome, does not hide his distaste for her._

_“Gale.” Effie says, as she lets go of Peeta. “It’s nice to see you both again.”_

_“What are you doing here?” He snaps at her._

_“Don’t listen to Gale.” Peeta supplies, a hand at the small of her back and leading her in front of the door. “He’s just frustrated.”_

_“We shouldn’t be here.” Gale grounds out. “We should be looking for the son of a bitch who-”_

_“That’s enough.” Peeta silences him with a look and a voice that is harder than she has ever heard him use. She can see from her peripheral vision, Peeta glancing at her and shaking his head._

Secrets _, Effie muses, fury rising in her,_ always with the secrets.

_“Then leave.” Effie snaps, whipping around to face the two of them. “There’s enough security here and you_ don’t have to be here. I _don’t want you here. So,_ leave _.”_

_“We don’t have a choice to be anywhere else.” Gale tells her._

_Effie narrows her eyes, hands on her waist. “So then tell Coin, or Plutarch or_ whoever _that I give you permission to leave_ my brother alone. _You’ve all done enough.” She says, eyeing the familiar kutte. She takes a deep breath and faces the door, heart skipping a beat as she opens the door._

_“It’s not Coin or Plutarch_ we _’re taking the orders from.” Gale says._

_“Then_ who _?” Effie is already so tired of this conversation and she can feel the tears sting her eyes as she looks at the man on the hospital bed._

_“You know, for a supposed smart but traitorous Capitol bitch, you’re really fucking stupid.”_

_“Gale!” Peeta growls. She can feel him enter the room, standing behind her and watching as she collapses on the chair next to the bed, hand going to the limp hand on the bed. “Haymitch.” Peeta says quietly, not commenting when she sucks in shaky breath and still not commenting when three tears trickle down her face. “Haymitch is who we listen to. He told us…he’s going to find who did this.”_

_Effie lets out a laugh that is all bitter. “I already_ know _who did this. We_ all know _who did this.” She doesn’t look at him, but she grips her brother’s hand tighter. “Peeta, just…can you please give me a few minutes with my brother?”_

_When Peeta leaves, Effie leans forward, her head by his arm. “I’m sorry.” She whispers hoarsely. “_ I’m so sorry _.”_

* * *

 

_When her break is over, she wipes her face and leaves the room and floor, sparing Peeta and Gale a smile, because her mother taught her better than to be petty._

_She throws herself into work and when there’s a lull, she throws herself into reorganizing everything, because she honestly doesn’t understand how people can work in a clustered mess._

_She’s doing her final rounds when she comes face-to-face with Lily Everdeen._

_They stare at each other, not saying anything. “Hello Lily.” Effie smiles._

_“Does he know?” Lily doesn’t bother with pleasantries and Effie wants to sigh because doesn’t anyone know their manners anymore?_

_“No.” Though, she’s almost sure he will now. It’s highly unlikely that Gale and Peeta kept her reappearance to themselves._

_Lily studies her, eyes roving over her and she gives her a tight grimace. “If it means anything, he won’t hear it from me.”_

_It doesn’t, because it’s an empty statement, but she appreciates the gesture because out of everyone in this town, she thinks Lily Everdeen can understand her resentment for the Club and everything that comes with it._

_“Thank you.”_

_“I’m sorry about your brother.” Lily says, putting a hand on her shoulder. “We’re doing our best to make sure he gets better.”_

_At the mere mention of her brother she wants to burst into tears, because she’s read his file. She knows his fate. And she would appreciate the truth rather than a blatant lie. “You shouldn’t waste your resources.” Effie tells Lily. “My brother is as good as dead.” He’d be better off dead._

_They all would be._

* * *

 

_The nurses kick her out after visiting hours are done, kindly telling her that she needs her rest because she has to come back and do this all over again tomorrow._

_Security escorts her out, wishing her a goodnight._

_She stares at the night sky. It’s been a long time since she’s seen the stars and moon in their glory. The Capitol’s tall skyscrapers and artificial lights often hid the sky, moon and stars from her view._

_(“Tell me something no one knows about you.” She implores him, sliding her hands underneath the pillow, turning her head to face him. She giggles when she feels him press kisses across her bare shoulders and down her back, dragging his teeth against the outline of her ribs. “Haymitch.” She moans._

_He lets out a sigh. “You know_ everything _about me, sweetheart.”_

_She cocks her head to the side, studying him, eyes darting to the kutte hanging carelessly on the back of her chair. “Do I?” She asks, staring at him. He stares back, tracing unknown figures across her bare back. His calloused fingertips making her shiver in the summer heat. She knows that he doesn’t like drinking for the sake of it, but rather to forget everything that happened to him. She knows his mother, brother and ex-girlfriend died in an_ accident _, that somehow manages to find Club members families when something doesn’t go right. She knows that he hogs blankets. She knows that he has a weakness for mashed potatoes. She knows he hates stew. She knows that he has dimples at the small of his back. She knows that when he smiles, and_ really _smiles, his eyes light up and the skin around the corner of his eyes crinkle and when he laughs, it’s a deep hearty laugh. She knows that he calls her sweetheart every day and princess when he teases her. He calls her doll-face to anger her and when they fight, about anything and everything, they fight loud enough to rattle windows and send everyone in their vicinity flying away from them._

_She knows a lot about him, having been around him for years but she feels like she doesn’t know_ enough _. It’s never enough with her, with him, with_ them _._

_“It’s fine.” She tells him sleepily, smiling at him. She knows that he doesn’t like showing his feelings. She knows he doesn’t like showing any sort of vulnerability. “It’s fine.”_

_She’s almost asleep when she feels the bed dip and feels his lips on her cheek and forehead, “Something no one knows,” he whispers so softly, she thinks she imagines it, “is I can’t lose you, Effie. I_ can’t.”

 

You won’t _, she wants to tell him, as sleep beckons her,_ you won’t.

_He does.)_

_The roar of a motorcycle drags her out of her memory. With dread settling in the pit of her stomach, she doesn’t look up as it stops in front of her. She can feel his anger without him having to say anything. He cuts off the motorcycle and suddenly the night is enveloped in silence once more._

_(She’s always hated the silence.)_

_“Get on the bike.” There is no_ hello _, no_ how are you _, no_ it’s been too long sweetheart. _He doesn’t gather her in his arms and kiss her a thousand times. There is nothing of that sort._

_“I will not.” She tells him, straightening her back. “And it’s_ rude _to demand something. You should try asking for once, you_ barbarian _.”_

_He lets out a bark of laughter. “Barbarian. That’s a new one. Get on the bike.”_

_“It’s a nice night.” She says. “I’ll walk.”_

_“Sweetheart.” The moniker comes out of his mouth so easy, as if he’s been repeating it a thousand times since she left (no, not left, since he banished her, since he made her leave.) “Get on the bike._ Please _.” He sighs. “It’s not safe.”_

_She mimics his bark of laughter, all bitterness and emptiness and she sees him start in surprise, the sound foreign coming from her mouth. “Now, you care about my safety?_ Now _?”_

_He gets off his back and stands in front of her. He towers above her, all leather and black clothing. He smells like grease, motor oil and whiskey. “Don’t.” He says through gritted teeth, grey eyes flashing in warning, “Ever say I don’t care about your safety.” There is silence and the way he stares at her, almost dejectedly and sad, it makes her want to reach out and smooth the frown lines on his face. He’s gotten older. “Get on the bike, sweetheart.” He repeats. “_ Please _.”_

_Against her better judgment, she nods, accepts his spare helmet and gets on the bike, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist, just like she did a thousand times before._

_(She’s always been a creature of habit.)_

* * *

 

_She’s staying at her brother’s place, which used to be their house and the memories flood into her when she opens the door. The house is filled with her boxes that she has yet to unpack. She can feel Haymitch enter the house behind her, shutting the door and locking it, going to the windows, looking outside, left and right and then shutting the curtains._

_She busies herself in the kitchen, brewing a cup of tea and out of instinct she makes him a coffee, black._

_She sits at the kitchen table, eyes straying to the foyer._

_(It’s dishes that start the fight to end all fights. She doesn’t even know_ how _it started, just that it did and then it had to do with his drinking and the Club and her brother, “_ Don’t. _Haymitch. Please. If you love me, you_ won’t _drag my brother into this life.”_

_“Who the fuck said I loved you, princess?”_

_“I know you do.” She snapped. “Because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t hold me when I dream of my parents.”_

_He shakes his head and laughs, wiping his mouth the sleeve of his kutte. “I’ve only loved one girl in my life and she’s dead.”_

_She rears back as if she’s been slapped. In the darkest part of her mind, she always knew she came second to a dead girl she never met. She never wanted to replace her memory; she just thought she could find room in his life and in his heart. Her heart plummets to her stomach when she realizes her worst fears have come true. There is no room in his life and heart for her and she’s always been a distraction. Like the alcohol, a vice to numb his pain. She wonders if he ever thinks of her pain. Probably not. Her eyes sting with tears. “Haymitch, please.”_

_“We’re done. We shouldn’t have even started. You’re nothing but an uptight, snobbish bitch. You were a great lay, Trinket but you need to leave. Leave. No one wants you here. You’re pathetic, you know that, princess? Go nag someone else, someone who actually gives a damn about your fucking sob story. You don’t know a fucking thing about tragedy, do you Trinket?”_

_The worst thing, she thinks, is that he threw her parents death in her face. He threw her insecurities in her face without remorse and she can feel her body trembling, a shaky hand coming to her mouth, her breath starting to heave as she feels her chest collapse in on itself. “Get out.” She says in a strangled voice. “Get out.” She can feel the sobs clawing their way out of her throat and she wants to scratch her lungs out. “_ Out! Out! Get out!” _She pushes him towards the door, screaming at him and he’s not saying anything and through her blurry vision, she can see tears in his eyes and she can see barely masked anguish. She can see them streak down his cheek and he doesn’t fight back. He doesn’t say or do anything. “Get out.” She croaks, pushing him into the cold air just as her brother is walking up the steps. Her brother wraps her arms around her waist and pulls her off of Haymitch, telling her to_ calm down _and she’s_ making a scene _and_ what would mother say _, he teases? She wants to tell him,_ nothing, mom won’t say anything because she’s dead.

_“You should leave, brother.” Her brother says to Haymitch in a soft voice, a sympathetic look in his eyes._

_Effie struggles against her brother’s hold. “You_ want _me to_ leave _?” She cries to Haymitch. “Fine. I’ll_ leave _. I_ hate _this town anyways. You’ll get your wish and_ you’ll never see me again _.”_

_She almost tells him she hates him, but she knows they’d_ all _know that’s a lie.)_

_“They threatened you.” Haymitch says, taking a seat across from her._

_She shakes her head free from the memories. “What?”_

_“The Keepers. Snow’s Army.” He says. “They threatened you.” He jerks his head to the foyer. “All those years ago. They threatened me with you.” He gives a bitter laugh. “You know they don’t joke around and I didn’t…I couldn’t…”_

_She feels like a veil has been lifted. She feels dizzy and overwhelmed with information. “When you told me…when you said…you didn’t…I don’t…”_

_“I never wanted you to leave.” He wipes a hand down his face. “I was a fucking mess when you left Effie. I’ve_ been _a mess.”_

_“_ Why didn’t you tell me _?” She asks him, frustrated and wanting to pull her hair out._ Secret’s _, she thinks,_ always with the secrets.

_“Would you have believed me?”_

_“Of course I would have.” She hisses at him. “Because it would have come from_ you.”

_He points a finger at her. “There._ That _. You_ shouldn’t. _I’ll only get you killed.”_

_“I’m not dead yet.”_

_“No.” He concedes. “But you’re brother. I’m sorry sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I should have taken better care of him but I didn’t…it was hard to. There was a war and we lost a lot of good people and your brother…”_

_“I know.” She says flatly, her eyes burning with unshed tears and she wants to stop crying because it’s all she’s been doing since she got the phone call from Plutarch, telling her that her brother, who laughed, lived, loved, cried and mourned with her, was as good as dead._

_“Why did you transfer?”_

_She sighs, running a hand through her hair. “Because my brother would have wanted me to come back home. And because Plutarch told me to.” She answers truthfully. And it hurts, it_ hurts so much _that it didn’t come from Haymitch._

_“Is it?” She gives him a questioning look. He clears his throat and looks everywhere but at her. “Is this home?”_

_She’s silent for a few moments before she reaches forward and covers his hand with hers. “_ You are my home _.” She confesses, tears spilling from her eyes and onto her cheeks. He leans closer, hands cupping her face and thumbs wiping away tear after tear. “_ You have always been my home _.”_

_He kisses her forehead, both cheeks and by time he reaches her lips, she’s trembling. “Something no one knows,” he repeats from that summer night so long ago and she_ knew _she wasn’t dreaming. She_ knew _she wasn’t imagining it. “I_ can’t _stand losing you. I_ can’t. Not again.”

_(Because home is supposed to be where the heart is but what happens if you never truly left?)_

* * *

_The next day, she pulls the plug on her brother, collapsing on the chair, sobbing out apologies. They’re given the room, members of The Rebels outside the hospital room, some silently crying and others like Annie, wailing over the palpable grief._

_“I’m home.” She whispers in a broken sob to her brother. “I’m so sorry it took me so long but I’m home.” Haymitch places a hand on her shoulder and Effie heaves, her body shaking._

_(She still hates the Club. But she’s bound by loyalty to dead parents, a dead brother and the man she’s always loved._

_You don’t know a fucking thing about tragedy, do you Trinket? It’s all she knows.)_  

* * *

 

When Effie wakes up in the penthouse, it’s still dark out. She gets up and grabs a robe, creeping up to the roof quietly. The night is cold but she lets the door shut behind her as she looks up at the sky.

 

The Capitol and its tall buildings and artificial light blocks the sky, stars and moon from her sight. The remnants of her dream fading into the background of her mind.

 

(She doesn’t know why, but this makes her explicably sad.) 

* * *

 

_Leash-less confusion I wander the concrete_

_Wonder if better now having survived_

_Jarring of judgment and reasons defeat_

 


	3. And I said hey (we're living like renegades)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your responses to the story! It means so much to me! Title of this chapter and song are from X Amabassador's 'Renegades'

_Run away-ay with me_

_Lost souls in revelry_

_Running wild and running free_

_Two kids, you and me_

* * *

 

When she’s locked up in her cell, body limp and so very tired, she closes her eyes and dreams.

 

In her dreams, she is different. In her dreams she is strong.

 

(In her dreams, Effie is still locked in a cell.)

* * *

_She hears hushed whispers outside her room, shadows dancing in the space between the door and the floor. She doesn’t huddle in fear; instead she waits and waits until the hushed whispers cease and the footsteps retreat. It’s then, she gets up and makes her way to the door, opens it softly and carefully, and peers into the hallway, frowning when she hears titters in another room._

_Even though a voice in the back of her mind tells her to_ go back to bed _, she doesn’t. She creeps by a large window, the sights and sounds of the Capitol silenced through their soundproof walls. The door isn’t fully closed when she leans her ear against it and she hears her parents, grandfather, older cousins, aunts and uncle’s whisper in hushed voices, sometimes her grandfather raises his voice an octave higher until her father hushes him._

_“People are disappearing.” Her father says and Effie watches as her mother clutches his hand._

_“People are_ dying _.” Her grandfather snaps back._

_“We have a daughter.” Her mother protests softly, her eyes darting to the door and Effie presses herself against the wall at the last moment, her heart beating wildly._

_“You have an_ eavesdropping daughter _.” Her grandfather says and then he chuckles. “Effie, darling come in.”_

_Effie pushes the door open and she’s greeted by the sight of her parents with stricken faces and her grandfather, with his white beard and even whiter hair. Her uncles, aunts and cousins lean back in their seats, watching with hesitant eyes. Her grandfather’s eyes twinkle with familiar blue and she launches herself at him._

_“Euphemia!” Her mother reprimands her. “Eavesdropping is_ rude _.”_

_“I’m sorry mother.” She says dutifully. “But I heard voices.” She lowers her voice to a whisper. “Why are we whispering?” She asks, her eyes looking over every single Trinket, by blood and marriage in the room. “_ Who is dying _?”_

_Her cousins shush her. “You can’t say_ anything _, Effie.” Her oldest cousin, Aquinas tells her._

_Her grandfather turns her around so she’s facing him and she grins at him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it to yourself? Do you promise to never tell a soul, no matter what circumstance?” He gives her a pointed look. “You_ have _to promise me, Effie.”_

_She nods, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. “I promise.” She swears and she really does promise. Even though she’s young, this is her grandfather and little Effie Trinket would die for her grandfather._

_He presses something cool in her hand and she looks down to see a gold pin with a bird on it. She gasps, her head whipping around to her father who gives her a sad grin, and her mother who has tears streaming down her face, mouth forming the words, ‘_ please, no, she’s only a child, _’ her eyes narrow until her father opens his jacket and_ there _, just before the seam is the gold outline replicating the pin. “It’s a mockingjay.” She whispers, understanding the words she says need not to be an octave higher._

_“We’re going to change Panem.” Her grandfather tells her softly. “Trinkets have long since fought for peace, often in the background and sometimes, more actively. Do you know what this means?”_

_She thinks back to a hushed conversation between her parents, cousins, aunts and uncles. She thinks back to everything her grandfather says. She thinks back to every year when her parents don’t let her watch the Games and how her grandfather will disappear for long periods of times, telling her that he’s traveling but he’ll always come back for her birthday. “We protect the innocent.”_

_Her family nods and her mother gives in to her sobs._

_(Decades later, locked in her cell, Effie will still protect the innocent, but she’ll always wonder who will protect her.)_

* * *

 

_She’s walking with her mother during the Second Quarter Quell when she comes across the Games for the first time._

_Her mother keeps pushing her to move quicker but a friend of her mothers stops her, hair an outrageous blue and skin the same color. Effie wrinkles her face in distaste, scratching at her black wig and make-up that isn’t yet caked on. Her mother spent hours getting both of them ready._

_(“We have to do everything we can to fit in,” she tells her through clenched teeth. “You can’t let them see we’re different. We always have to hide who we are, Euphemia.”_

_Effie nods.)_

_Her eyes are drawn to the screen and she watches, both transfixed and horrified as a blonde girl kills another girl and looks down at the teenage boy in front of her. His grey eyes are the only features she focuses on. She finds that his grey eyes are_ all _she can focus on. She can see their lips move but she doesn’t even comprehend what’s being said, until he puts his hand in the blonde girl’s and they walk off, vigilant of their surroundings. She looks at the body of the dead girl and then at the reactions of the people around her. Most of whom groan and fish out money, paying each other and lamenting over their loss._

_She wants to vomit._

_Her head whips around to her mother whose fingernails are digging into her shoulder; face suddenly so pale under her make-up. She gives her friend a tight grin that Effie knows is fake and the woman with blue skin looks scandalized. For a moment, Effie panics and thinks she said something aloud without realizing it._

_“You don’t mean it, Pax.” The friend says, a hand covering her mouth, eyes wide._

_Her mother trembles and Effie grips her hand. A moment passes and her mother’s eyes harden in anticipation for a fight she knows she will lose. “What if I did?” Her body shielding Effie but Effie isn’t fooled. She can see the fear in her mother’s eyes but she can also see the strength that her mother has never shown in public. Effie desperately wants to know what was said to make the woman with blue hair and blue skin stare at her mother as if she’s the one who committed murder and not the youths on screen. “Come now darling, we must be going. Azur, it was wonderful to see you again. We should meet up for lunch, yes?”_

_When the other woman nods numbly, eyes narrowing in suspicion, Effie’s mother gives her another tight smile, ushers Effie through the crowds and as soon as she’s able to, as soon as no one sees, Effie’s mother grips her hand and they run._

_As soon as they’re home, her mother trembles and shakes, ripping off her wig, wiping her make-up off with her dress sleeves and Effie is scandalized because that is the epitome of uncouth, but her mother makes no remarks. Instead, she stares at the clock, at the door and then at Effie. She grabs Effie by the hand and into the kitchen where she turns on every radio that broadcasts the Games and the television that shows the boy with grey eyes. Effie looks at the screen, sees_ Haymitch Abernathy, District 12 _and then looks back at her mother who is turning on faucets and the garburator._

_She kneels down and smoothes Effie’s hair. She kisses her forehead and both her cheeks. “Effie,” her mother says, her voice cracks and shakes, “run.” Effie doesn’t move and her mother stifles a sob. “Oh God. Oh God. Effie._ Effie _. My darling. Tell your father I love him and I don’t regret anything.” She grabs Effie by the shoulders. “I’ve always told you to hide because they’ll kill you. Or they’ll kill the people you love but Effie, hiding is_ tiring _. It’s the coward’s way out. Never lose yourself. Never lose sense of who you are._ Fight _, Effie. You have to fight back. Change the world Effie. Show everyone what it means to be a Trinket.” She leans forward and whisper in her ear. “Show everyone what it’s like to be a rebel. Run._ Now _.”_

_Effie spares ones glance at her mother and then she runs out the back door._

_(Effie Trinket has always been a coward.)_

* * *

 

_They hold her mother’s funeral the day Haymitch Abernathy, District 12, wins the Second Quarter Quell._

_Her father sobs himself to sleep every night._

_Her grandfather holds her tightly. “Effie.” He says and he doesn’t have to say anything else, Effie knows what he’s telling her without saying anything._ If you don’t want to do this, don’t. You don’t have to. I’m so sorry. This shouldn’t have happened. Please forgive me. You don’t have to do this. You don’t.

_“No.” She says loudly, shoving her hand in her dress pockets, finding the gold mockingjay pin in one of them and holding it tight in her fist until she’s sure it’s imprinted on the palm of her hand. “For mother.” She responds._

_(Change the world Effie. Show everyone what it means to be a Trinket. Show everyone what it’s like to be a rebel.)_

_“For your mother.”_

_It’s all Effie can take and then she’s sobbing and her grandfather is sobbing because she didn’t just lose a mother but he just lost a daughter-in law._

_(This is the first mark of loss she will feel, but it won’t be the last.)_

* * *

_It’s her grandfather who suggests she becomes an Escort._

_Her father is against it._

_Effie agrees, because everyone needs someone on the inside._

_And Effie has always been good at pretending._

* * *

 

_She’s just finished Escort school, when she receives her letter, assigning her to her district._

District 12 _, stares at her in black ink._

Haymitch Abernathy, District 12 _, she thinks._

_She sees different shades of grey everywhere now._

* * *

 

_Haymitch hates her on sight. Obscene make-up, colorful wigs, painful dresses and abysmal heels._

_She is the personification of everything he loathes._

_Funny thing, she is the personification of everything she loathes too._

_She thinks they both have that in common._

* * *

 

_When her first two tributes die, she leaves Haymitch to his drinking and yelling and she disappears into the en suite bathroom of her room, turning on all the fans and faucet and shower and she sobs until she vomits._

_Years later, she will mouth their names and their faces will haunt her dreams._

_She turns to sleeping pills, but even that doesn’t help. Nothing does._

_(She was supposed to change the world; instead she’s just become another part of it.)_

* * *

 

_Haymitch is a drunk and unlike anything she thought he would be. Unlike anything she_ imagined _he would be._

_They fight horribly and he hates her just as fiercely as she doesn’t hate him._

_She wants to slap him sometimes though, she wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and demand him to look in her eyes,_ look!

_He never does._

_(It’s in her fifth year when everything changes. Their children have just died and he’s accusing her of being heartless because she numbly talks about schedules and interviews and she’s angry, so_ angry _, because she had just spent the night before getting all the information she could to her grandfather and trying to find out where some of her cousins have disappeared to, and she_ knows _,_ they all know _, but they’ll never say anything, that she grabs his drink from his hand, gulps it and throws the glass against the wall, relishing in the shattering sound it makes. He growls, she shrieks and he has her up against the wall in a matter of seconds, hand around her throat. “Do it.” She tells him, anger evaporating. “Go ahead._ Do it _.”_

_“_ Fuck you, Trinket _.” He spits and then his hands are around her waist instead of her neck and she’s pressed against him, lips crashing onto his and he swallows her gasp. It’s violent, desperate and needy but Effie can’t bring herself to care. Can’t even bring herself to be ashamed as she writhes against him and against the wall._

_Later, he zips up his pants and silence reigns. “You disgust me.” He tells her._

_She doesn’t say anything, instead she straightens her clothes, walks past him and into her room, locking the door and entering the en suite bathroom, where she takes off her wig, wipes off her make-up, turns on all the fans, turns on the faucet and the shower and sobs and sobs and sobs.)_

* * *

 

_It’s during the 73 rd Hunger Games that she meets her grandfather and father on the roof of her grandfather’s apartment building. “It’s getting too dangerous for us to be here.” Her grandfather tells her one-day, her father stands off to the side, looking gaunt and sullen. _

_“Where will you go?” She asks and_ why are you leaving me alone?

_“District 13.”_

_Effie nods, knowing all about District 13. “Will you be safe?”_

_“Safer than here.”_

_Her grandfather sighs and gives her a cuff. “It sends messages. Encrypted messages of course, but messages nonetheless.”_

_Effie nods, eyes darting to her father. “Take care of him please.”_

_Her grandfather nods, suddenly looking so much older than he is. “Be careful, Effie. Stay strong. Stay vigilant. Don’t do anything that will get you killed and_ stay alive _.”_

_“Haymitch will look after me.” That’s a joke. Haymitch Abernathy will likely throw her to the wolves before he looks out for her._

_Her grandfather shoots her a look that tells her he is not amused._

_Effie laughs until she snorts and then hugs him. “I love you.” She tells him._

_“I love you too, little one.”_

_She walks towards her father, swallowing the sudden lump in her throat. “Hi, daddy.”_

_He looks at her with tears in his eyes. “You look so much like her.” He says, caressing her face. “It’s not too late. Come with us.” He pleads._

_Effie shakes her head. “I’ll stay here, pass messages along. As soon as I can, I’ll join you. I love you daddy. I love you and I’m…I’m…” she chokes up, the words,_ I’m sorry _, getting lodged in her throat._

_Her father pulls her into a hug, so tight it almost breaks her bones. “I love you so much.” Her father whispers. “_ I love you so much _.”_

_(This is entirely too much of a goodbye and Effie sobs into her father’s shoulder.)_

* * *

_When Effie gets to the penthouse, Haymitch is there, nursing a drink and likely on his way to getting drunk. She can tell by the look on his face that their children have died. “You missed it.” He says darkly, laughing with no humor._

_She’s so tired but her body is alight with_ something.

_She grabs his glass and puts it on the side, hiking up her dress and straddling him._ It’s instinctive, _she thinks,_ just instinct and nothing else _, when his hands automatically go to her hips and hold her there. He looks up at her, hair in his eyes. She brushes it back and looks at his grey eyes._ Such a vivid shade of grey _. She leans forward and kisses him, deepening it when he doesn’t push her away._

_This is a routine she’s used to and so with the Hunger Games still playing in the background, she rides Haymitch until she’s a whimpering sobbing mess._

_(She’s just so tired.)_

* * *

 

_The next year everything changes._

_District 12 has their first volunteer._

_Katniss Everdeen becomes the_ Girl on Fire _and Effie glances at her cuff, feeling as if she has meaning in her life again._

* * *

 

_The Victory Tour is the Victory Tour from hell. (She is mourning Seneca’s death because he was a good man and by the message on her cuff on the cusp of being one of theirs, so Effie presses a fist to her mouth and sobs for all the deaths she has caused.)_

_Then the Third Quarter Quell is announced and she reads Haymitch’s name, her voice getting caught in her throat._

_She feels sick when Peeta volunteers because the Games were supposed to be_ over _._

_One look at her cuff and the message tells her that it almost is._

* * *

 

_The night of the Quarter Quell reaping, Haymitch is anything but gentle and if she’s honest with herself, she doesn’t want him to be._

_She wants to tell him everything but he looks at her with such an unreadable expression that she shuts her mouth._

* * *

 

_The message on her cuff tells her that everything is set to go at midnight._

_Chaff dies. Haymitch shatters a glass and Katniss blows up the arena._

_Without thinking, she grabs his hand, gripping it tight and pulls him up the stairs, her heels making her stumble on the stairs to the roof. “Woman, what the fuck are you doing?” She looks at the sky and sees the hovercraft and she can see her grandfather in it._

_She slams the door to the roof and bars it, understanding the commotion coming from inside is meant for them. She pushes Haymitch to the Hovercraft. “Get in!” She shrieks. “_ Get in _!” She shoves him in and he doesn’t stop her, too shocked to do anything._

_“What the fuck?_ Trinket _?” He’s looking at her with an expression she’s never seen before and she wants to sob but she_ can’t _because she knows that Peacekeepers are trying to break the door of the roof open._

_Her bottom lip trembles as she stares at her grandfather. “Take care of him. God only knows I’ve been doing it for so long.”_

_Plutarch Heavensbee is the one who holds her grandfather back when he tries to reach for her. “Effie!” He roars, “_ Effie, no _!”_

_“I’ll be safe.” She tells him, even though they both know it’s a lie. In a hurry, she yanks off the cuff and throws it in the hovercraft. “Tell daddy I love him.”_

_“_ EFFIE!”

_She looks at Plutarch, “Go._ Now _!”_

_“What the fuck? Effie?! EFFIE! Don’t fucking leave. Effie, get on this fucking hovercraft!_ EFFIE!” _It’s an entirely new voice and she whips around to see Haymitch struggling against the hold of her cousin she didn’t even know was in the hovercraft. Her cousin looks at her, tears in his eyes, presses three of his fingers to his lips and raises it to the air._

_The hovercraft is in the air, the peacekeepers have knocked the door down and Effie is held at gunpoint before she can repeat the gesture._

_(It could be her imagination but she thinks she can still hear Haymitch yelling for her.)_

* * *

 

_They question her at first and when she doesn’t give them the answers they want, they hit her and hit her and hit her until all she tastes is blood._

_They throw her in a cell with Johanna Mason and Annie Cresta._

_They give them a day’s reprieve and then the torture starts (both Effie and Johanna shout at them to not touch Annie and Annie does well, screaming herself hoarse until they take her away and toss her in another cell, letting her rock herself back and forth. Effie breathes a little sigh of relief. Annie Cresta is already a little bit unhinged and they don’t want the already broken, they want to break the unbreakable and they think they can break_ them _. She laughs the first time they punch her.)_

_She pulls Johanna close to her chest and hums as the Victor starts to sob ugly sobs that wrack her body and Effie is afraid the younger woman will choke herself to death before the others can do it for her._

* * *

 

_She gets punched, hit, electrocuted, water-boarded and they break her fingers every time she tells them she doesn’t know anything._

_Even when they put her in front of Peeta, trying to goad him and trying to goad her, she stays resolute in her silence._

_Peeta doesn’t blame her; they exchange a look as if saying that this is for a purpose bigger than them._

_(Or at least they used to, until they managed to turn Peeta against her too.)_

* * *

 

_During their darkest days when Effie counts her scars and Johanna recounts the ways she’s going to_ kill every single last fucking one of these stupid fucks _(she never tells Effie who she means. Does she mean the Peacekeepers? Does she mean the rebels?)_

_“Does it matter?” Johanna snarls. “_ They left us.”

_Effie stares at Johanna, telling her story with her eyes, hoping against all hope that Johanna can understand what she’s trying to say; that she chose to stay, she chose to give them time to get away, she chose to be part of the Rebellion because it’s_ who she is _._

_Johanna laughs and laughs and laughs until the Peacekeepers come around and tell her to shut up._

_“You and your self-sacrifices Trinket. It’s going to get you killed.” Johanna turns her back on her and Effie curls into herself on the floor. Her clothes are filthy. She’s full of blood, urine and other things she’s not entirely sure of._

_(Change the world Effie. Show everyone what it means to be a Trinket. Show everyone what it’s like to be a rebel.)_

* * *

 

_She loses track of time and instead entertains herself with little stories of how the rebellion is going._

_(Spoiler alert: they all live happily ever after, because Effie is stupid enough to believe that everyone deserves to be happy.)_

* * *

_It starts with a loud bang that shakes the walls and she can hear Johanna get up. Effie is too tired to get up. She’s too tired to think or feel or even breathe. It was a bad beating yesterday and Johanna stayed up with her, and in her sleepy haze, Effie almost imagines Johanna’s fingers on her pulse every hour._

_There are a plethora of other bangs, some just as loud, others as grunts and then shrieks for help._

_“Get up Trinket.” Johanna hisses. “_ Get the fuck up _.”_

_“Tired.” Effie mumbles. She is_ so very tired _._

_“Trinket!” Johanna snaps. “_ Fuck _._ Of course _I have to lug your ass out of prison.”_

_“Just leave me here.” Effie says, turning her head into the ground, even the littlest of movements hurts and Effie just wants to_ die _._

_“Yeah, how about_ no _?” Johanna says. She bends down with a groan and yanks Effie up, supporting them both. Johanna is just as weak and she stumbles, bumping them into the wall. “I’m not like the other rebels. I will_ not _just leave you here to rot.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Just fucking because. Stop fucking talking._ My God. _How you didn’t blurt out any secrets is beyond me. Hey!_ Hey! _Stay the fuck awake, Trinket.”_

_Effie hears banging and screaming and realizes it’s coming from Johanna. Then she feels herself being moved back and the door clangs open and suddenly, she’s being lifted from Johanna’s arms onto a stretcher and there are people poking at her and asking her questions._

_“She’s out of it.” Johanna tells them. “Yesterday was…yesterday was bad._ Don’t fucking touch me with that you little shit _. Oh_ look! _The cavalry finally arrives.” She hears the sneer from Johanna._

_She hears her name being called and the last thing she sees before slipping into the dark oblivion is grey._

* * *

_She wakes up three days later and Haymitch is by her side with an atrocious black hat on his head. He’s sporting a few cuts on his face and a black eye that has faded to blue, yellow and purple. Her first thought is for Johanna, Peeta and Annie. “Where are they?” and “Did they get you too?” She croaks out, reaching for water._

_Haymitch startles awake and then goes to help her, telling her to_ take it easy _. After she’s had water, she gestures to his face and he rubs a hand over it. “Johanna and Annie are a couple beds down. Peeta is…we’re still trying to…we’re handling Peeta.” There’s a pause before he continues, “If by_ them _you mean your grandfather, father and one of your cousins than yeah, they got me too, sweetheart.”_

_Effie snorts and it’s so unladylike and foreign coming from her that Haymitch starts chuckling. It dies down quickly and he looks at her with his very grey eyes that Effie always seems to get lost in. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He sounds hurt._

_“Why didn’t_ you _tell_ me _?”_

_And that’s what it goes back to, isn’t it?_ Why didn’t he tell her _? Why didn’t he trust_ her _? And then she thinks that she did her job right and she fooled_ everyone.

_“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He says. “I’m sorry.”_

_She gives him a weak smile. “I didn’t say anything.” She tells him, feeling drowsy and slipping back into sleep. “I think you would have been proud.”_

_“Always been proud, princess.” He tells her quietly._

* * *

 

_She’s discharged a few days later and hobbling to command. When she opens the door, she sees Haymitch startle and look at her, already getting to his feet, mouth open in protest._

_Her grandfather beats him to her. He puts his hands on her shoulders and looks her over, kissing her forehead gently. “Oh Effie.” And everything he doesn’t say, she hears:_ I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so proud. I’m sorry.

_Her father is next and he hugs her, tight enough to familiarize herself with his smell but gently enough to not bother her wounds. “What were you_ thinking _?” He asks her._

_She was thinking of Haymitch and getting him to safety, because she knew his part in the Rebellion, she knew that if the Peacekeepers got their hands on him, Snow would have him executed. She was thinking about Katniss and Peeta and she was thinking about her mother, her beautiful mother who was killed for standing up for what she believed in. “I was thinking, what would mom do? And the answer is, she would have_ fought _.” Her mother died protecting her family and Effie would do the same thing._

_Her father starts to cry and he kisses her cheeks and forehead, muttering_ I love you _over and over again._

_She sits in between her father and grandfather, Haymitch across from her as she recounts her stories and everything she heard in prison._

_President Coin stares at her like she’s an abomination but Effie knows she won’t try anything. Because the Trinkets have been fighting for peace longer than Coin has been alive._

_(Because if anyone asks, Johanna Mason tells them that Effie_ fucking _Trinket is rebellion royalty.)_

* * *

 

_Katniss kills Coin and Snow._

_Paylor comes into office._

_Haymitch is responsible for taking Katniss back to twelve._

_Effie stays in the Capitol a little longer, at least until Peeta is given a clean bill of health and until her father and grandfather look at her with knowing eyes and let her go with promises that she’ll call and stay safe and stay alive._

_So, Effie Trinket boards a train with Peeta and leaves the Capitol for Twelve where she knows Katniss and Haymitch will be waiting for them._

_(Because peace is finally returning to Panem and the Trinkets have disbanded, going to different districts to get away from the nightmares that plague their existence. But Effie will_ never _forget.)_

_(Change the world Effie. Show everyone what it means to be a Trinket. Show everyone what it’s like to be a rebel.)_

* * *

 

When Effie wakes up, she starts sobbing ugly sobs and she feels like she’s choking.

 

Johanna Mason tells her to shut up. “No one wants to hear you fucking sob, Trinket.”

 

She’s still locked in a cell and nothing has changed. Everything has stayed the same and this makes Effie cry harder.

* * *

_Long live the pioneers_

_Rebels and mutineers_

_Go forth and have no fear_

_Come close and lend an ear_

 


	4. I'll keep you like an oath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and song are from Fall Out Boy's 'Uma Thurman'. Hope you all like this one!

_The blood, the blood, the blood of the lamb_

_Is worth two lions, but here I am_

_And I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams_

_But they’re not quite what they seem_

* * *

 

There are dreams where she imagines herself stronger than she actually is. She sometimes dreams of being witty, smart and dangerous.

 

But mostly, she dreams of having actual friends who would, kill, fight and die for her.

 

Effie has never really had friends before.

* * *

_“Not that I care or anything,” Johanna starts, and it’s always the same with the younger woman, always starting sentences with ‘_ not that I care or anything’ _or ‘_ not that it’s worth anything’ _or Effie’s personal favorite ‘_ not that your opinion matters for shit because your favorite color is pink and how old are you? Fucking four? _’ but it always manages to prelude something entirely sentimental, almost caring. Not that Effie would actually tell her that. “But you’re not going to go up shit’s creek on this are you?”_

_(Translation: are you okay to do this?)_

_“I have managed to keep my composure for much longer than you’ve been alive, Johanna. I think I can manage my_ job _.”_

_Katniss peers around the corner and gives her a sheepish look. “We’re not underestimating you or anything-”_

_“I am.” Johanna interjects, flashing Effie a toothy grin that is nowhere near sincere. Effie returns it with a saccharine one. (Johanna flips her the bird.)_

_“It’s just your first job since…” Katniss trails off, unsure how to finish the sentence and Effie pauses in applying her make-up, making eye contact with the two women standing by her door._

_“Since you found out your husband, sorry,_ ex _-husband is one of the key players in our mortal enemy of an organization.” Johanna blurts out. “I mean for_ fuck’s sake _, Trinket. Did you_ not _notice something off? You’re a fucking assassin.”_

_“Jo!” Katniss snaps._

_“How long have you held that in for?” Effie asks Johanna, continuing to apply her make-up._

_Johanna shrugs. “Since you told us about the divorce. The only reason I didn’t ream you one was because,_ this _one over here,” she jabs a thumb in Katniss’ direction, “and Annie told me not to._ Not _like I actually_ give a fuck _.”_

_Once done and she gives herself a once over in the mirror, she turns around and faces them, leaning against the bureau for support. “Given that he’s_ also _an assassin and a trained_ spy _,_ no _, Johanna, it_ didn’t _occur to me that he could be working for the Rebellion. Since we’re both pretty good_ trained liars _.”_

_(The story goes like this: Effie met Haymitch at a club that Johanna dragged them out to for the younger woman’s twenty-fifth birthday. There, Effie met a man at the bar, grey eyes piercing her soul, a smug grin on his face that she wanted to slap off and a glass of whiskey in his hand. He called her princess and sweetheart and she called him rude and presumptuous. Flash forward an hour later and her legs are wrapped around his waist and he thrusts into her in the_ Employees Only _bathroom [she later finds out that the basement is their headquarters]. One year later, they’re married, signing the certificates at the courthouse with Katniss as her witness and Peeta as his. [Peeta makes eyes at Katniss and Katniss looks away uncomfortably. Johanna whines about attending and Annie is smitten with a boy named Finnick who gives her winks. There is a man named Plutarch who presses a kiss to her forehead, whispers to take_ good care _of him and a man named Chaff who laughs himself hoarse.])_

_For a while, Effie is happy. Their sex life is extremely active, they fight more than they talk but they learn that fighting is their way of communication. She lies about business trips and he tells her he has to work late at the office. He’s under the influence that she works as an Event Planner and she’s under the influence that he works with the military._

_Thus, never expecting to meet._

_Until, one day, they_ do _._

_They’ve heard grumblings about the Peacekeepers, led by a man named Snow and how people are disappearing._

_Coin is adamant that they take all of them out but as soon as she leaves the room, Paylor levels them with a stare. “Right now, your job is recon. Find any weaknesses, find any loopholes, do not engage unless absolutely necessary.”_

_“That’s not what Coin says.” Annie says, eyes darting from Paylor to the door Coin went through._

_Johanna grins, lifting her arms up and interlacing her fingers behind her head. “Are we planning to usurp Coin? Because honestly, Paylor, it’s about fucking time. That bitch’s clock has officially run out.”_

_“I’ll deal with Coin.” Paylor says. “Just be careful.”_

_So, they get ready and Effie calls her husband, smiling and lying through her teeth as she leaves him a message on his phone telling him that she’s been called away to Dallas overseeing an event. She hangs up and thinks nothing of it._

_(She should have. Effie, should have thought about a lot of things.)_

* * *

_So far, all they see are men in white suits moving in and out of a mansion. Johanna sits in the front seat, feet propped on the dashboard, popping her gum loudly. Katniss is in the back, binoculars glued to her face as she tracks every one of their steps. Annie is with her in the back, computers illuminating her face as she attempts to hack into their system. She lets out a frustrated groan. “I’m getting blocked.”_

_“Are they that sophisticated?” Effie asks distractedly, pressing the headphone closer to her ear as she writes down word for word what is being said inside. (Johanna had snuck in earlier, under the pretense of being an escort with the wrong room. It takes her one hour to laugh with the Peacekeepers, promising to be back if they can afford her. She slams the door to the van when she gets in and glares at them. “Next time,” she snaps, “_ Trinket _can play the fucking escort.”_

_“Did they touch you?” Effie asks worriedly._

_Johanna shoots her a look. “Do you honestly think they’d be breathing if they had? The bugs are planted. There are a lot of creepy men in white suites and there’s an entire floor that’s off limits. I’m assuming that’s where Snow is. Also, the house is fucking creepy as shit. It reeks of roses and death.” She rips off her wig and wipes her make-up off with the cloth that Katniss gives her. “Let’s just fucking get the information and get out of here. I want to catch the game tonight.”)_

_“It’s not them.” Annie informs them. “It’s not coming from inside.” She frowns and clenches her hands into fists and she breathes deeply. Katniss moves closer to her. “It’s like…it’s like someone is matching my every move, blocking me from getting the information. It’s like…”_

_“Someone knows we’re here.” Effie straightens up. “Katniss, move to the surroundings. Anything suspicious? Johanna, did you see anything on your way in or out? Annie, try and triangulate where the signal is coming from.”_

_“I’m trying Effie.” Annie says exasperatedly. “Whoever this is, they’re_ good _.”_

_“I’ve got nothing.” Katniss says. “Just the house and trees to the left.”_

_“They could be hiding.” Johanna supplies, feet coming down and eyes focused straight._

_“Where?” Annie asks._

_“The trees. Camouflage yourself amongst the trees and no one knows your there.” Effie says._

_“You’d have to be good.” Johanna adds. “_ Really good _.”_

_“The right equipment. The right skill sets.” Katniss says, recognition flashing in her eyes._

_Annie’s eyes go wide. “You’d have to have a stake in it. Something to gain and nothing to lose.”_

_“You could lose a lot.” Effie says softly. “Who else can say they took down Snow? Who else would_ want _to?”_

_“The Rebellion.” Johanna growls. “_ Fucking assholes _. What do they_ want _?”_

_“To steal our job.” Katniss says, grabbing her bow and arrow, slipping her knives and gun into their holsters._

_“Get out ladies. It’s time to hunt them down and have a nice little chat about letting ladies go first.” Effie tells them._

_“I thought we weren’t supposed to engage?” Annie asks. She scrambles out after them, sticking close to Johanna. “No seriously, I thought we weren’t suppose to engage anyone. Or anything. I’m not good in the field. I should stay in the car and-”_

_“Annie.” Johanna says. “Shut the fuck up and stick close to me, Trinket or Robin Hood over there, okay?”_

* * *

 

_They go into town, following Annie’s device that keeps giving them signals. They end up splitting up, Johanna with Annie and Katniss with Effie._

_They’re an hour into their search when the comms cackle in their ears and Annie’s voice rings through softly, not above a whisper. It’s slight, hesitant and apologetic. “Katniss? Effie? We’re in front_ The Hob _. You should…there’s something you should see.”_

_“Hey Trinket.” Johanna hisses, “What’d you say your husband does again?”_

_“He works for the military. Why?” There is a feeling in her stomach that no good can come out of this. Any of this._

_“Well, your husband is a fucking_ liar _. On the upside, so are you, so your marriage can probably still be saved.”_

* * *

 

The Hob _is a dingy little pub that has a back entrance. They follow it. “I saw Finnick.” Annie says softly, as soon as Effie and Katniss meet up with them. “He didn’t see me but I saw him go through the back. He was…” She looks at Effie guiltily. “He was with Haymitch.”_

_Effie shakes her head, taking out her phone with shaky hands and dialing Haymitch’s numbe. It rings and rings and goes straight to voicemail. Effie tries again and again, letting it ring and ring. Katniss puts a hand over hers and brings it down, realization dawning in their eyes._

_“I asked her if she was sure she saw him.” Johanna says after a moment, “She said it’s definitely him. He was apparently wearing that beanie you really hate.”_

_Effie nods, hoping against all hope that they’re_ wrong _. She composes herself quickly, because she’s Effie Trinket and she’s one of the best Mockingjay has ever produced and she is the epitome of professional. Their guns are out as they enter the back, fingers pressed to their lips, daring anyone in the kitchens to make a sound. A chef points to the back, where a door is closed. In a series of hand gestures, they flank it. Effie counts to three and Johanna kicks the door open._

_Johanna has her gun and axe trained on Chaff who curses loudly, Katniss is growling at Peeta, telling him not to move a_ fucking inch _, Annie is trembling, training her gun at Finnick who is looking at her with wounded eyes, trying to talk her into putting the gun down. “Come anywhere near her,” Johanna snaps at him, “and I’ll rip your fucking face off.”_

_And Effie, Effie has her gun trained on a tall man with a beanie covering his unruly hair and grey eyes staring at her with surprise, understanding and then anger. “Hello_ sweetheart _.”_

_“Haymitch.”_

_Effie’s stomach bottoms out and nothing will ever be the same again. She just_ knows _it._

* * *

 

_“Tell me something, sweetheart. How long have you known?” Haymitch asks her as they wait for their respective helicopters to pick them up._

_“How long have I known_ what, _Haymitch?” Effie asks, feeling so tired_. God. _Everything she knows has been a lie._ Everything.

_“How long have you known that I’m been part of the Rebellion? What did you want? Did you want information? Can’t say you don’t take your job seriously. You’re something else, you know that sweetheart? All your_ pretty fucking lies _.”_

_Effie doesn’t know what happens. One minute she’s leaning against the wall and the next she’s in front of him, his face to the side and her hand bursting in pain. Johanna lets out a laugh, Annie lets out a whimper and Katniss threatens to disembowel anyone who goes_ near _them. “How long have_ you _known, Haymitch? Huh? How long have you known that_ I’ve _been part of the Mockingjay? Were_ you _sent to spy on me? Were you ordered to_ fuck the information out of me _?” It’s the first time Effie curses and she can hear the helicopters in the distance and she can feel Katniss, Annie and Johanna behind her, ready to defend if necessary. The fight and anger leave her as suddenly as it came. “I didn’t.” She tells him. “I didn’t know you were part of the Rebellion. Happy? I fell so blindly in love with you that I_ didn’t even notice _.” She’s horrified at the tears that sting her eyes. She looks at him imploringly, desperate for answers before the helicopters touch down. “Did you?_ Did you know _?”_

_He blinks at her and sighs. “Yeah, princess. I knew. The moment I saw you, I knew.”_

_She hears Johanna curse and can feel the wind pick up from the helicopter. The world falls away as the sounds of the helicopter overwhelm her, almost knocking her sideways. Haymitch goes to reach for her but Johanna slaps his hand away, growling at him._

_Paylor is in the helicopter and she doesn’t look happy, barking at them to_ hurry the fuck up _. Annie walks with her, arm in arm as Katniss follows. When Effie is seated, she looks out the window, where Johanna takes a few steps towards the helicopter, turns back and punches Haymitch in the face. Effie can make out the slew of curse words from Johanna’s mouth and she turns back around and makes her way to the helicopter, shaking her fist. She buckles in and rolls her eyes at Effie. “Don’t think it means anything Trinket. I’m the only one who can make you cry, got it?”_

_(Effie cries anyways.)_

* * *

_The divorce is quick. Their lawyers take care of everything._

_Clove is young for a lawyer but she’s ruthless and cutthroat and she takes no shit from anyone. “Your ex-husband is requesting to see you.”_

_“No.” Effie says numbly, letting her heart break with every rejection._

_“Good.” Clove replies, snapping her briefcase shut. “Because I told him to fuck off.”_

* * *

 

_“You good?” Annie asks her as Effie is shaken out of her memories. She shrugs on her jacket, ready for her job._

_“I’m good.” Effie promises. “I’ll check in soon.”_

_“Call if you need anything.” Katniss reminds her._

_“Not me.” Johanna calls out. “The game is on.”_

_Effie rolls her eyes and walks out the door._

* * *

 

_The Capitol is an upscale bar and they heard a prominent Peacekeeper loves visiting the back rooms, draped in red curtains. She narrows her eyes and sits at the bar, and orders a gin and tonic, eyes tracking the Peacekeeper as his hand keeps riding higher and higher on the woman’s leg. (Portia is a consultant. One of theirs and retired. Her husband Cinna was killed by Peacekeepers on Snow’s orders and Portia is thirsty for revenge.)_

_The Peacekeeper grabs her hand and pulls Portia up, Effie meets her eyes and slowly gets out of her chair, only to be blocked and pushed back in it. Her eyes whip up and she’s face-to-face with the eyes that haunt her dreams. “Get out of my way.” She hisses._

_“Calm down sweetheart.” He tells her. “Finnick and Peeta are taking care of the Peacekeeper and making sure that nothing happens to your friend. But you and I, we need to_ talk.”

_“No. My lawyer should have told you that.”_

_He gives her a lazy grin that doesn’t reach his eyes. She studies him closely. He looks_ horrible. _Clothes wrinkled, a stain on his shirt and five days worth of stubble on his face. “Short stack? Yeah, she’s a firecracker. Tell me, how the hell do you find these women?”_

_“I don’t want to do this.” She says, getting up and trying to walk by._

_He grabs her arm and pulls her to him. “_ Listen _to me, sweetheart.”_

_“You don’t get to call me that anymore.” She tells him. “You_ lied _to me.”_

_He leans forward. “Yeah? Pot meet kettle._ You _lied to me too.”_

_She sighs and bows her head, her forehead almost coming in contact with his shoulder and all she wants to do is lean a little closer and feel his warmth. She can already smell his cologne and something so intrinsically_ Haymitch _, it makes her weak in the knees. “What do you want Haymitch?”_

_“It’s about Snow.” He whispers in her ear. “You’re going to want to hear us out.”_

_(And because it’s what she’s always done, she listens.)_

* * *

 

_“No.” Johanna says. “_ Fuck no _.”_

_“He makes a good point.” Effie tries to reason._

_“_ He’s a fucking liar _.”_

_“So are all of you, princess.” Haymitch snaps._

_Finnick and Peeta wince. “Not helping, Haymitch.”_

_Chaff laughs. “I’m just here for the show.”_

_Plutarch sighs, “We need to band together to-”_

_“Who’s your tech?” Annie asks out of the blue._

_“Beetee.” Finnick answers. “Why?”_

_Annie looks at Johanna, Effie, Katniss, Coin and Paylor. “He’s good.” Annie says. “I mean, I’m good. But he’s better. If we could combine what we know, we could bring it all down. Cut him off. Make him weak so he can stop spreading his propaganda.”_

_“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Johanna snarls. “Don’t answer that. I know you are.”_

_“Johanna!” Effie snaps. “This is our only chance.”_

_“_ We _,” Johanna says, pointing to herself, Effie, Annie and Katniss, “are the only chance._ They _are_ nothing.”

_“It’s not up to you, Mason.” Coin speaks up, standing in front of them. “We have a deal.”_

_“_ Fuck _your deal!” Johanna yells. “I’m_ not _working with them!”_

_“We will.” Effie says._

_Johanna looks at her and Effie pleads with her to just go along, to get this done so they can be left alone in peace. Johanna sighs and picks up her axe, twirling it in her hand. “I’m not going out of my way to save them.” Johanna tells her. “They’re on their fucking own.”_

* * *

 

_It takes almost a year of working together and in close proximity with each other. It takes almost a year of undercover jobs and stakeouts where she’s too close to him, close enough to have her clothes smell like him, close enough to notice the shadows under his eyes, close enough to notice how he looks at her when he thinks she doesn’t notice, close enough to touch, to kiss, to feel him. She doesn’t. She finds that she’s stronger than she gives herself credit for._

_It takes almost a year of collecting all the information they need and they’re close,_ so _close and everything is_ almost _within their grasp that everything goes to shit._

_(As is the case with almost_ everything _.)_

_This,” Johanna says, gritting her teeth and glaring at Effie as the two of them along with Annie and Peeta are thrown into a cell together. “Is all your ex-husband’s fault.”_

_(It kind of is and kind of isn’t but Effie doesn’t say anything and sends up a prayer, hoping against all hope that someone gets them.)_

* * *

_Effie shields Annie from any beatings, letting out rampant lies about how Annie is unhinged and Annie for her part follows suit, shrieking uncontrollably and sobbing at every moment. It’s only when they leave Annie alone, does Effie see the sigh of relief she keeps bottled in and her eyes red and puffy but alert peek at her under her hair._

_“Should’ve gone into theatre.” Johanna mumbles._

_Effie smoothes her hair and takes in a shaky breath._

_(It’s taking them too long to come and save them so Effie proposes they save themselves. “That’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you fucking say.” Johanna proclaims, grinning, all teeth and maybe just a little bit of sincerity. “I’m almost proud.”_

_Effie shoots her a small grin. “Are you admitting you love me?”_

_Johanna rolls her eyes. “And then you go and say dumb shit like that.”_

_“Can we concentrate on the plan?” Peeta groans, as he holds his mangled leg and shifts in pain.)_

_The plan is quite simple. Annie is the distraction. Peeta is the one who pretends to play dead. Johanna is the brute strength and Effie is the back-up._

_And suddenly, there is a silver lining in this hell they call a prison._

* * *

 

_At Effie’s nod, Annie starts screaming that Peeta is dead. She’s up against the bars, hands gripping the metal and shaking it, shrieking for help, any sort of help. Peeta lays motionless on the ground, breathing shallow and Johanna and Effie press themselves against the wall, hidden in the shadows, hands balled into fists and ready to fight._

_The Peacekeepers come running and as soon as they’re inside the cell, Johanna and Effie attack. Johanna punches one, kicks the other, grabs a gun and shoots as many of them as she can. Effie follows suit, long legs swinging with roundhouse kicks, punching one in the throat, grabbing a knife from another and plunging the knife into another’s gut. When they’re done with the ones in the cell, Johanna and Effie grab all weapons, passing some to Annie and Peeta. Annie grabs Peeta, putting an arm around her neck and they follow Effie and Johanna out of the cell._

_“That was easy.” Johanna mutters._

_“Too easy.” Effie agrees._

_They hear sudden bangs above their head and the ground shakes, Annie calls out in worry. They’re halfway down the hallway when they hear thunderous footsteps and Effie stands in front of Peeta and Annie, while Johanna flanks her, guns up and ready._

_“Peeta!” Katniss yells as she runs towards them, she’s bloodied and hurt and Effie’s heart catches in her throat. “What did they do to you?”_

_“Oh,” Johanna retorts, “_ We’r _e fine. No need to worry about_ us _.”_

_“Finnick!” Annie yells, transferring Peeta to Katniss as she runs towards Finnick who holds her tightly._

_“I guess everyone is pairing off then.” Johanna remarks._

_“Jealous?” Peeta coughs, smiling lightly._

_“Fuck you, loverboy.”_

_Effie barely hears them, her eyes trained on a man she hasn’t seen in what is likely a week but feels like months. She wants to cry, she wants to run to him, she wants to kiss, touch and breathe him in. She never realized how much she missed him until she lets herself think about him. He walks towards her slowly, as if testing her reaction and she crosses the distance between them, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him close to her, finally breathing him in._

_He buries his head in her shoulder and kisses her temple, taking in a gulp of air. “You scared the shit outta me, sweetheart.”_

_“I want to retire.” Effie tells him. “_ We’re _going to retire,_ you’re _going to spend the rest of your days making up lying to me and_ I’ll _spend the rest of mine making sure that I never forget the way you look when you-”_

_“_ Hello _?” Johanna yelps, waving her arms around, “There are_ children _here. Save your rated R porn shit for when you get home. It took you fuckers long enough to get us.”_

_Katniss says something and Johanna snaps back, Annie giggling into Finnick’s neck._

_“I’m sorry.” Haymitch tells her as he cups her face in his hands._

_“I am too.” Effie says, because she is. She is sorry of all the time they missed and all the chances they’ve missed._

_“Can we leave?” Annie says, her eyes darting around their surroundings. “I hate this place.”_

_Haymitch wraps his arms around Effie and leads her out the way they came in, Katniss, Peeta, Annie, Finnick and Johanna trailing behind them, cracking jokes and banter back and forth._

_As Haymitch presses another kiss to her temple as they walk into the sunlight, blinking against the sudden onslaught, Effie thinks they could finally be happy, because these people are her friends and as she slips her hand into his, she thinks these people are more than that, they’re her family._

* * *

 

_(Spoiler alert: the Rebellion and Mockingjay disband and become one cohesive organization under Plutarch and Paylor. Annie and Finnick get married and have a son named Finn. Peeta and Katniss follow suit three years later. Johanna rolls her eyes but attends every wedding and every birthday and every holiday. Effie and Haymitch never get remarried but they stay together, fighting extensively and making up just as fiercely. They do retire but never really leave, always there as consultants._

_Happy endings, Effie finds, do exist. It’s just a journey to get there.)_  

* * *

 

When Effie wakes up, she wakes with a lurch, breath caught in her throat. She looks around when she realizes what woke her was the sound of sobbing. She turns her head to the side and finds the sobbing sound is coming from three hospital beds away from her. Johanna is twitching, limbs flailing. Still drowsy from her dream, Effie gets out of her bed carefully as to not disrupt the tubes. She walks on unsteady feet towards the bed and collapses on the chair next to Johanna’s bed.

 

Johanna is still sleeping fitfully and Effie can only imagine the nightmares as she takes in her fading bruises and gaunt features. She lifts a hand and rubs Johanna’s back. “Shh…” Effie says tiredly and quietly, “I’m here. Johanna, I’m here. It’ll be alright.” (And it may be her imagination but Johanna stops fitfully twisting and turning and her whimpering stops, breathing leveling out.)

 

Effie may be lying, she’s not entirely sure, but she will do her best to ensure that these kids, her kids, get the happy ending they deserve.

 

Even if it comes at the price of hers.

* * *

 

_I can move mountains_

_I can work a miracle, work a miracle_

_I’ll keep you like an oath_

_“May nothing but death do us part…”_

 


	5. Can the city forgive (I hear its sad song)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first prelude to this story is the spoken part from Florence and the Machine’s song Long & Lost, it’s the spoken interlude from the music video and the end is also the spoken piece from her music video of Queen of Peace. Title of this chapter is from her song Long & Lost.

_You're dying of thirst so we feast on each other_

_The seas are still a violent mother_

_The blood runs down your pores like water_

_Each wave a lamb led to slaughter_

_And like children that she just can't teach_

_You break, and break, and break, and break ourselves upon the beach_

* * *

There is a certain tragedy about her. She is everything the Capitol made her to be. She is everything the Capitol needs her to be and nothing she wishes she could be.

She figures it would take only a little bit of time until the tragedy of her real life bleeds into her dreams.

* * *

_The sun is a brilliant yellow in the sky the day of the Reaping. Effie walks arm in arm with her cousin, newly turned twelve and sickly, until they separate based on age. Her cousin has been sick for a long time. Her lungs are failing, her heart is weak and her skin is pale. But still her cousin smiles, albeit weakly and tells her in a mocking voice,_ the odds are ever in our favor, my dear Effie.

_(This is the Reaping where Effie finds out the odds are_ never _in their favor.)_

* * *

_Her cousin's name is drawn out and said with such enthusiasm, it makes Effie sick to her stomach. Coming from District Two, there are volunteers, it's not unheard of and it makes for a humorous interview with Caesar when they recap how the successful tribute leapt to the forefront, ending up victorious in their bid as a volunteer tribute._

_Effie thinks today will be no different._

_(She's wrong.)_

_She doesn't know if it's shock, because everyone,_  everyone _, knows her cousin is sick. Everyone knows her cousin doesn't have a chance in hell of surviving so_ why doesn't anyone speak out _? Why doesn't anyone_ volunteer _? She can see her cousin's breathing become rapid. She can see her trembling, even from where Effie stands and in the moment when District Two stood still, seemingly in shock (and later, Effie finds out before the Games, on purpose), Effie pushes her way through the crowd, muttering apologies and shouting, "I volunteer!_  I volunteer as tribute _!"_

_She walks by her cousin who breaks out into sobs, her small hands (too small for her age, her cousin is too small for her age), reaching out to her. "Effie. Effie, please don't go. Effie,_ please _!"_

" _I'll be back." Effie promises her, the lie falling from her mouth like ash. "I promise, I'll be back. We'll see each other again." And then she follows the Peacekeepers to the stage, standing next to her Escort and Mentors._

_(It's the Second Quarter Quell so it's double the tributes and double the chance of her dying. This is the first, last and only time she lies to her cousin.)_

* * *

_She's not able to say goodbye to her cousin. Instead, they're rushed to the train but that doesn't stop Effie from clawing at the window trying to catch sight of her cousin. She does see her in the end. She's standing at the end of the platform, tears running down her face, chest heaving up and down._

_She disappears in a blurred haze and Effie thinks she'll have that image burned in her mind forever._

* * *

_Her mentor is a young woman named Dominique. She's a tall statuesque woman, with hazel eyes and bronze skin. Her hair is long, in errant curls and a honey brown. She is stunningly beautiful and incredibly deadly._

" _You were my first pick." Dominique tells her._

" _Why?" Effie asks. She wants to tell her not to waste her time. She's going to die at the Cornucopia._

" _Because you remind me of someone I used to know."_

_Effie wants to laugh. "Did this person die?"_

_Dominique blinks and tilts her head to the side. "In a way, I suppose she did."_

* * *

_She and Dominique watch the rest of the Reapings when everyone is asleep on the train to the Capitol. She watches in shameful horrification when she sees the people she's up against._

_And then she gets to District Twelve and a sixteen-year-old boy walks up to the stage, face defiant and body language tense, as if he's tightly wound and ready to spring. She can see an older woman in the background break out into sobs and a young boy shriek in despair. She watches a sixteen-year-old girl sob quietly and Effie wonders what it's like to be loved so fiercely and so completely._

_Effie has her cousin. Her aunt and uncle took her in when she was a child, because they were her guardians (her parents dying from an accident Effie is told she can't have remembered but there are little snippets, little blinks of images that haunt her but Effie knows better than to mention those to anyone_ but  _her cousin) and Effie knows they loved her, but there was always a sort of veiled resentment towards her that her cousin never shared._

" _Do you see anyone you want to make an alliance with?" Dominique asks her, studying her inquisitively._

_Effie immediately thinks to the District Twelve boy,_ Haymitch Abernathy _, the voice in her head says,_ remember the name. Remember the name. _But she shakes her head. "No one who will want to make an alliance with me."_

_Dominique doesn't say anything but she watches her carefully and Effie looks away from her scrutinizing gaze._

* * *

_There is something familiar about the Capitol. Something familiar in the way people talk and act and walk. Something in the obvious artificial air that rings some sort of bell in her mind._

_She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and almost chokes on the sudden image of death and blood._

" _Effie?" Dominique asks, taking her by the elbow. "Are you okay?"_

" _Fine." Effie croaks and just like that, the image is gone and she is left alone. "Fine."_

* * *

_Haymitch Abernathy is an angry person. Throwing knives at a frantic pace with no sense of direction. No sense of rhythm. He's vicious in his hatred and he glares at anyone who comes near him in training._

_She spends the day hiding in the corner, trying not to stare at him._

_(She fails.)_

* * *

" _I was told," Dominique says carefully as she takes Effie outside, eating lunch on a bench (Effie thinks its forbidden to do this but Dominique quirks an eyebrow and says, "I fucking dare them to stop us."), "That you couldn't keep your eyes off of Haymitch Abernathy. Normally, we'd tell you to align yourself with other Careers but I don't really see that happening."_

" _I'm not a Career." Effie tells her, taking small little bites from her sandwich._

_Dominique watches her with knowing eyes. "No." She murmurs, "You're not, are you?" She shakes her head and shrugs, nudging her with her shoulder. "I suppose you could do worse. He seems strong. If_  I _were ten years younger…"_

"Dominique _!" Effie chokes, blushing bright red. "That's…that's…_ crude. _And besides, he won't ally himself with me. What's the point? I've got nothing to offer. I'm going to die."_

_Her mentor's eyes darken. "Thinking like that_  will  _get you killed, Effie. Just think of your cousin. Whatever you do, think of your cousin."_

* * *

_Damascus is District Twelve's escort and he's_  furious _. Effie can see it in the strained smile and gritted teeth as he tries to covertly yell at Haymitch. Haymitch, for his part, lounges against the wall, slouching with his tie untied and loose around his neck. He bats away the stylists who try to fix it and the blonde older tribute doesn't do anything to help. She just stares at him with hesitant eyes that make something clench in Effie's stomach._

_And then Effie thinks back to their Reaping and she remembers the girl with dark hair, tanned skin and grey eyes, with tears streaming down her cheeks and she thinks that they've_ all  _left people behind._

" _Sal." Damascus snaps, "You're the mentor. Mentor him into tying his tie."_

" _Can't make the kid do a damned thing." Sal mutters._

_(Effie has met Sal once before. It was late at night and they were supposed to be sleeping, but Effie has long since stopped sleeping the moment she stepped foot in the Capitol, unknown memories dancing across her eyelids. She gets up, creeps out of bed and into the kitchen of their apartment, intent on making tea, when she hears hushed voices and a soft soothing melody._

_Dominique is standing in the kitchen in sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, feet bare and hair loose and an older man, weathered and tired stands beside her, mouth moving with seemingly no sound. She recognizes him instantly as District Twelve's mentor and Effie frowns wondering what he's doing here. She shifts, the floor creeks and Dominique's head whips around at the sound, body tense, ready for a fight and Sal's stance mirrors hers._

_Effie holds her hands up. "I just wanted tea." She says quietly. "I couldn't sleep." She brushes her blonde hair away from her face and gives the older man a small smile. "Effie Trinket." She holds out her hand for him to shake_

_He looks at her, studying her, sizing her up and then he gives her a smile of his own. It doesn't reach his eyes and its laden with something Effie can't quite understand. "Sal." He responds, clasping her hand in his. The calluses on his hand feel rough under her smooth palm but Effie doesn't comment. They drop their hands after a moment._

_Dominique turns on the faucet, filling the kettle. When it's filled, she still leaves the faucet running, not bothering to turn it off and prepares tea for the three of them. "Why couldn't you sleep?" She asks, turning around to face them, her hand still gripping the counter tightly, eyes staring at her._

_Effie hesitates as she slips onto a kitchen chair and traces mindless shapes into the mahogany table. "I don't…" She takes a deep breath, keeping her voice low, she doesn't know why, just has a feeling that what she's about to say would be better said in a low voice, as if telling a secret she doesn't know she's keeping. "Since coming here, I've been seeing things."_

_Dominique loosens her grip on the counter and makes her way towards her, crouching in front of her, her hands reaching out, gripping Effie's hands. Sal follows Dominique and sinks into another chair, his body boneless. "What have you been seeing." It's not a question; more of a demand and Effie can feel Dominique's nails digging into her hands._

_Effie frowns trying to put the glimpses into words. "Blood. Death. I remember a train and sometimes I see a man and woman, they're laughing, some glimpses are longer than the others but never long_ enough _. Then there's white. Just white. I don't…I don't…" She looks helplessly at Dominique whose eyes are suddenly clearer than they've ever been. The kettle sounds and Dominique lets go of her hands to fix the tea._

_Sal stares at her, a smirk gracing his lips and it's more sincere than his previous one. "I'll be_ damned." _He breathes out._

_Dominique comes back with a tray and three cups of tea. Effie takes hers with a soft_ thanks _. Her mentor takes a seat opposite Sal. The faucet still runs, the soft melody of music Effie has never heard is in the background and the three of them sit in compatible but loaded silence._

_Effie thinks something has_ happened _, something has_  shifted _, she just doesn't know_ what _.)_

_Without thinking, Effie breaks away from Dominique and makes her way to where the tributes from District Twelve are. People shoot her looks as she makes her way between them, muttering apologies, with Dominique following her. Her heart is jack hammering in her chest and her hands trembling at her sides as she reaches them._

_The two younger tributes give her a wide berth and her stomach plummets,_ they're so young _. The blonde tribute cocks her head to the side, Effie's eyes catching on the glimmering gold pin of a mockingjay hidden in the palm of her hand. Effie points to Haymitch's tie. "I can do it." She says, her voice strong despite the nerves erupting in her body._

_Haymitch glares at her underneath his bangs. He backs away from her hands as she reaches out to him. "Don't need no fucking_ Career _helping me."_

_Sal groans and swats Haymitch over the head. "Mind yourself boy."_

" _I'm not." She says, her mouth suddenly dry as Dominique comes to a halt behind her, trying to differentiate herself from the other tributes. They have nothing in common except for their district. "A_ Career _, I mean." Her hands reach for his tie again and this time he lets her, his body language still tense as if waiting for an attack._

_He lets out a bitter laugh. "I saw you volunteer like your life fucking depended on it." He hisses. "Does it thrill you to know your sole purpose of living is to serve your fucking Capitol, like a fucking puppet?"_

_She hears Dominique take in a deep breath and she can feel her bristle, darting around to make sure no one else heard him. Sal's face pales and even Damascus stills, eyes wide for a moment._

_Effie tightens his tie and smoothes out the wrinkles on his suit. She leans forward, pretending to wipe off lint. "My cousin's life depended on it." She whispers, not quite knowing why she felt the need to explain herself to him. Not quite knowing why she doesn't want him to hate her as much as she already hates herself._

_She nods to Sal and gives them a charming smile, following Dominique back to where the other District Two tributes are standing, glaring at her._

_Effie doesn't know why she can't stop shaking._

* * *

" _A little birdie," Caesar teases, hand on his cheek, "tells me that you're getting close to another tribute."_

_The crowd titters and Effie shoots Caesar and the crowd a shy smile, tucking her hair behind her ear. Her blood freezes in her veins and her eyes seek the crowd's, desperately looking for Dominique. She doesn't find her. Instead, she finds Sal, his eyes boring into her and he gives her a nod, so faint it barely even registers as a nod, She can feel herself start to frown but Sal shakes his head and his eyes bore into hers, a conversation starting and ending between them. He turns his head slightly and Effie follows his gaze, breath catching when her eyes stop on Haymitch. She turns back to Sal and returns a small nod, letting him know she understands. She sends up a silent apology for the chaos and fury she will unleash._

" _Caesar." She says, crossing her legs at the ankles and giving him a small smile. "A lady must always keep her heart close to her chest."_

_She doesn't know why she says it, it registers as something she's heard before and she can hear the crowd break into whispers, almost shocked and she can see Caesar frown and stumble but he recovers quickly, eyes narrowing in on her, as if trying to dissect her every move._

_(And in her memory, she remembers a tall woman with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes and she remembers an even taller man with even blonder hair. She remembers them laughing and she remembers her saying in an accent between her laughs and teasing, "A lady must always keep her heart close to her chest."_

" _Darling," The man replies, wrapping his arms around her waist, "that doesn't even make any sense. See Effie? Never listen to your-" and then the memory cuts off, leaving Effie bereft with an unknown grief.)_

" _So," he finally says, "There_ is  _a tribute." He gives a smirk off stage and Effie can feel her heart plummet. "A…Haymitch Abernathy, maybe?" Caesar is giving her a smirk, as if laughing at the thought._

_The crowd gasps and laughs, as if expecting Effie to deny those claims and Effie can feel Haymitch's anger from her position on stage. Her eyes dart to the crowd and again her eyes meet Sal's who does nothing but stare at her, compelling her to do_ something _. He blinks once and Effie blinks in response. She blushes on command. "He is quite handsome, isn't he? His eyes…" She trails off, a hand going to her throat. "They're unlike anything I've_ ever _seen."_

_The audience coos and Effie can hear the women swoon at the prospect of romance, no matter how far-fetched it may seem. And she thinks,_ this is what they all live for, the forbidden romance.

" _But that's forbidden!" Caesar mock gasps, hand going to his mouth. "These are the Hunger Games. Is a romance even…wise?"_

_Effie blinks and looks to the audience, eyes pooling with unshed tears. "Well," she says slowly and almost desperately, "The circumstances are not ideal and there will only be_ one  _Victor but we're young and the Hunger Games brought us together. It almost seems…cruel to tear us apart when we're just discovering love." She straightens her back, "but the odds will be ever in our favor, isn't that right Caesar?"_

_The audience erupts, shouts and outrage over tearing apart two young lovers seemingly too much for them to handle. For the first time Effie can remember, she hears the audience call for a_ stop  _to the Games. They call for a love not yet fully explored. She's almost taken aback at their vehemence. Her eyes catch Sal who is leaning in his seat, eyes on her and a small smirk gracing his lips._

_She is escorted off stage where she is pulled into a bone-crushing hug by Dominique and Effie doesn't realize she's shaking until her teeth chatter. She sneaks a glance to where Haymitch is standing and he's looking at her with such burning rage and such a hatred that she buries her head in Dominique's shoulder. "What did I just do?" Effie mutters._

" _Oh Effie," Dominique says, holding her at arms length. "You just gave them something to fight for."_

* * *

_She sees Sal talking to Haymitch, stern faced and hand coiled around his upper arm before his interview._

" _I have a girl!" Haymitch snaps at Sal._

_Effie chews her lip until she tastes blood and she spares a thought to the dark haired, tanned skinned girl shedding tears at his Reaping._

" _You have an_ ex _-girl." Sal hisses back. "Smartest thing you ever did, breaking up with her when you got reaped." He grabs Haymitch's arm. "Don't fuck this up, boy. This isn't_ just about you _." They share a glance loaded with meaning Effie isn't privy too._

_Haymitch shrugs him off and storms the stage._

_Effie can't take her eyes off of him._

* * *

" _There's double the tributes." Caesar says conversationally._

" _Double the stupidity." Haymitch answers._

_She can hear Sal groan and she can almost imagine Damascus slapping his head with his clipboard._

" _What about Effie Trinket?" Caesar asks and the audience stills, at the edge of their seats._

_Haymitch's eyes drift off stage and her breath catches when his eyes find hers. He closes his eyes and sighs, in defeat she knows, but everyone else takes it as infatuation. "She's…different. Maybe even special." He says this through gritted teeth and almost mechanically, but the audience doesn't seem to notice._

_Her heart clenches with every word and Dominique grabs her hand, squeezing it tightly._

" _Could she," Caesar probes, "be the_ one _?"_

_Haymitch's eyes snap towards him and he grits his teeth harder, jaw clenching, Effie is terrified he'll crack his teeth. "We'll likely never know,_ will we _?"_

_The audience erupts again, the same chants of ending the Games echoing throughout the building._

_(Over her head, Dominique and Sal share a look.)_

* * *

_Later that night, when everyone is asleep, Dominique pushes her towards the elevator. She's too exhausted to fight her, so she follows, frowning when she presses the_ R _button for the roof. When they get out, they walk up three flights of stairs into the cool night air. Effie bites back a gasp at the sudden onslaught._

_Dominique gently shoves her further onto the roof and Effie stops in her place when she sees Sal and Haymitch waiting for them._

" _What's going on?" Effie asks. "What's happening?"_

" _You two," Sal says pointing at the two of them. "Are going to play star-crossed lovers. You'll be a modern day_ Romeo and Juliet _."_

_Effie frowns and Haymitch doesn't react. "Who?"_

" _Never mind." Dominique cuts in. "That's not the point. The point is you two_ will _form an alliance and you'll_ keep each other alive _."_

" _There's only_ one  _Victor." Effie says. "Even if, and that's a huge_ if _, we_ both _manage to survive, we'd have to…" She can't quite meet Haymitch's eyes but she can feel his glare._

" _Don't worry about the end." Sal says. "Just keep each other alive. Be seen together at training. Make the Capitol fall in love with your story."_

" _There is no story." Haymitch growls. "I want_ nothing _to do with this."_

_He makes to leave and he walks by her and suddenly Effie is angry because she_ is  _better than this. She deserves better than this. She grabs his arm as he walks by. "I want to survive." She snaps at him, nails digging into his arm. "I_ need _to survive." Her throat closes up thinking about her cousin and how she's doing back home. "I may not be your favorite person but if we can help each other, than there's nothing else we can do but just_ fake it _. You're not quite who I imagined falling in love with either, you know."_

_He tilts his head back and laughs. "You sound just like the little Capitol bitch you are."_

_Dominique sucks in a deep breath and Sal curses._

_She frowns and lets go of his arm, reeling back as if he hit her. "I'm not from the Capitol."_

_Haymitch's head whips around to glare at his mentor and then at hers. "_ She doesn't know _?" He laughs again. "That's fucking rich._ Fuck you _and_ fuck your Games _. Use someone else as a puppet."_

" _What does he mean?" Effie demands as he leaves the roof. "_ What does he mean _?" She's almost hysterical trying to find a truth that seems so distorted._

_She's met with silence._

* * *

_The next day at the Training Center the other Careers crowd around her, taunting her, describing ways that they're going to kill her and make her_ loverboy _watch._

_She blinks away tears, sitting on the bench, hands balled into fists._

_Haymitch is throwing knives at the dummy viciously, not bothering to look her way._

_The older boy from One corners her, hands above her shoulders, trapping her. "I'm going to enjoy ripping you apart." He says, "Your screams…" he closes his eyes and sighs. "I can just imagine how sweet they'll be. Will you call out for him? You're dirty fucking loverboy?"_

" _Maybe," Effie snaps, her blue eyes burning with repressed rage, "I'll bite your tongue out and watch you choke on your own blood, instead."_

_He snarls and balls his hands into fists, raising one and Effie closes her eyes and waits for the inevitable impact. Instead, she hears a whizzing sound and the_ thunk  _of something landing in the wall. She hears the boy yelp with surprise and he leaves her instantly. She stands shocked, until pale and dainty hands pull at her, yanking her off the mats. She can see the blonde hair from the older female District Twelve tribute,_ Maysilee Donner _, Effie thinks._ Her name is Maysilee.

_Haymitch is standing toe-to-toe with the District One Career, both snarling insults in each other's faces._

_Effie shakes Maysilee's hand off of her as she makes her way towards to Haymitch. She places a hand on his arm. "Don't bother." She says quietly. "He's not worth it. Save it for the arena."_

" _Yeah." The boy taunts. "Save it for the arena when I slit your throats."_

_Haymitch storms off and Effie makes her way back to Maysilee. They don't say anything but she feels a sort of kinship with the girl and she gives her nod of thanks._

* * *

_Everyone is trickling out of the Training Center and Effie waits until she is the last one, not too eager to follow the crowd. Before she can move, Haymitch blocks her way, throwing weapons at her feet. "Choose a weapon." He says._

" _Why?" She asks._

" _Because if we're supposed to keep each other alive, I'd like to know that you're not a complete waste of space."_

_She blinks away the harsh comment and picks up a knife._

" _So, you're going to teach me?"_

" _Doesn't look like I've got much of a choice,_ sweetheart _." Haymitch retorts._

* * *

_He trains her hard. He's brutal teacher and very hands on. He teaches her how to use her fists and legs and he touches her constantly. Effie's heart always skips a beat and she stumbles over her words._

_Slowly but surely, his scowls are replaced by reluctant smirks. He calls her sweetheart and princess and she calls him barbaric._

_Sometimes, Dominique and Sal oversee their training, but most times, they leave them alone._

_One night, they're fighting, fists swinging and legs kicking. He grunts and she groans when he takes her down on the mat. The air is knocked from her lungs. "Keep your eyes open, princess. Because in the arena, you'd already be dead." He's pressed against her, every inch of his body touching hers and she trembles. When she opens her eyes, she locks with his. Grey on blue and she reaches out and traces the frown lines on his face instinctively._

_She thinks she imagines him leaning into her touch and then he's off of her so fast she thinks she burned him._

_She's slower to get up, body groaning in protest. She looks at him as he walks off whatever frustration he feels. "I'm sorry." She breathes. The Games are soon and she thinks they don't have that much time. "About this." She points between the two of them. "I know…" she swallows the lump in her throat. "I know you have a girl back home."_

" _Had." He reminds her bitterly. "I broke up with her after I was reaped. I didn't want her to…" he trails off and puts a hand to his forehead._

" _You didn't want her to be heartbroken if you didn't come back." She finishes._

_He nods and walks towards her, leaning against the wall and sinks to the ground. He stretches out his legs and his long limbs almost intertwining with hers._

_She takes a deep breath. "My cousin," she starts, "her name was called and I thought someone would volunteer in her place. She's sick._ Really sick. _Only, no one volunteered and I still…I still don't know_ why _. District Two produces almost as many volunteers as District One. I couldn't…she's young, just twelve and so sick. So, when no one else volunteered. I did." She looks at him and finds him staring at her with an unreadable expression. "I promised her I would come back. It's the first promise I'll break to her."_

" _We'll get you home, princess." Haymitch tells her. "We'll get you home."_

_(They don't know it yet, but this is a lie. Effie will never be able to go home again.)_

* * *

_The night before the Games, they're at the Training Center and Haymitch is tense._

" _Haymitch." Effie calls out, breathless from training. "This is it. We can't…there's no more you can teach me." Her shoulders sag. "Tomorrow's_  it _. The Games begin."_

" _And we all die." Haymitch laughs darkly._

_Effie blinks away tears. She puts her hands on her hips. "What did you mean?" She asks him as they get ready to leave, her heart heavy. "What did you mean that night when you called me a_ Capitol bitch _?"_

_Haymitch sighs. "Ask your mentor." He tells her. He walks by her and at last moment, he presses a kiss to her forehead. "See you at the bloodbath, sweetheart." (As he leaves, she thinks for one crazy moment that maybe they're friends and maybe even a little bit more.)_

_When she reaches out for him, he's already gone._

_(This is their first, but not their last, kiss.)_

* * *

_She and Dominique are on their way to the roof the night before the Games start. They don't say anything on their way up and they don't say anything as they step onto the roof to meet Sal and Haymitch._

_Haymitch looks exhausted but his eyes are bright and alert._

_No one says anything but she can feel Dominique staring at her._

_Sal lets out a sigh. "Just ask, kid."_

" _What did Haymitch mean when he called me Capitol?" She asks, rubbing her arms from the chilly night. "I'm from District Two."_

_Sal's eyes meet Dominique's but Haymitch stares at her with an expression that Effie is still not able to comprehend. She hates being left in the dark. "If it's about me, I deserve to know. I'm going to die tomorrow._ Tell me _."_

_Haymitch opens his mouth to retort but Dominique holds up her hand. She puts her hands on Effie's shoulders. "What do you remember from when you were a kid, Effie?"_

_She looks at them with frustration. "Growing up with my cousin, in_ District Two _."_

_Dominique shakes her head. "No." She says softly. "_ Before _that. What do you_ dream _about?"_

_(Blood. Death. I remember a train and sometimes I see a man and woman but never long. Then there's white. Just white._

_She remembers a tall woman with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes and she remembers an even taller man with even blonder hair. She remembers them laughing and she remembers her saying in an accent between her laughs and teasing, "A lady must always keep her heart close to her chest."_

" _Darling," The man replies, wrapping his arms around her waist, "that doesn't even make any sense. See Effie? Never listen to your-")_

_Effie frowns, blood suddenly going cold. "You_ know  _what I dream about._ You know I have no idea what it means _." She's close to hysterics and Dominique tightens her hold on her._

" _You were born in the Capitol." Dominique tells her quietly. "You were born to Ezekiel and Pax Trinket. Your grandfather is Emmanuel Trinket._ Remember those names _, Effie. You need to_ remember those names _. You are a_ Trinket _. You have_ no _idea how_ important  _you are."_

" _I don't understand._ What are you saying _?"_

_Dominique presses her forehead against Effie's and Effie breathes in her familiar scent. "Your family," she says quietly and Effie has to strain to even hear, "was and is part of the Rebellion. Your parents fought against Snow and they abhorred the Games. They were killed, you were wiped of what little memory you had and shipped off to your aunt and uncle, on your mother's side, in District Two."_

_Haymitch takes a step closer to her, his hand hovering over her back, not quite touching but close enough that she can feel the heat of his body. It's oddly comforting especially since Effie forgets how to breathe._

" _Snow," Dominique continues just as quietly but Effie can hear the venom laced behind the name, "bided his time and until he knew it would kill you, he made your escort reap your cousin's name. There were_ no other names _in the bowl Effie."_

_Effie thinks of the other female tribute, an argument already on her tongue. Dominique shakes her head. "In his sleeve. He had the other name in his sleeve. Didn't you find it odd that_ no one _else volunteered when your cousin's name was called? It was spread around to the other Careers because he was banking on_ you volunteering _."_

"Why _?" She gasps out, knees suddenly going weak and she stumbles, only to be caught by familiar tanned arms. ("I got you, princess." Haymitch mutters in her ear. "I got you.")_

" _He wants to kill off_ all  _the Trinkets." Sal explains. "He's afraid that you would somehow be swayed to be part of the Rebellion. He wants to squash anyone who has anything to do with it."_

" _You need to be careful." Dominique says quickly, looking at both Haymitch and Effie. "What we did at the interviews…the Capitol is demanding this years Games be cancelled. You've given them something_ other _than death to think about and Snow will try to kill you for it." She takes a deep breath. "You_ have to stay alive _. Until the end, you need to_ stay alive _."_

" _He killed my family." Effie whispers. "My cousin…my_ cousin _, what's he going to do with her?"_

_Dominique bites her lip and Effie lashes out, shrieking and arms flailing. If it weren't for Haymitch holding her back, Effie thinks she would have clawed her mentor's face off. "What's going to happen to my cousin?! WHAT DID HE DO TO HER?"_

_Sal steps in front of Effie, hands cupping her face. "Your cousin was as good as dead at your interview."_

"No _." Effie bemoans, realizing washing over her in a torrent of grievous waves, she sinks to the ground, body shaking with sobs. "She was a little girl._ She was a little girl _."_

_Dominique sinks to her knees in front of her and Effie is pulled close to her chest. "_ Fight back _." Dominique whispers in her ear. "Fight back and show Snow that you will_ not  _stand for this. You're a_ Trinket, _Effie. You can be the change Panem needs. You just need to survive."_

_Effie's blood boils and she can feel the rage in her body. "I'm going to kill him." She seethes. "_ I'm going to kill him _."_

" _Good." Sal says, "Never forget that. Never forget who the real enemy is."_

_(They leave the roof and make their way to the elevator. Effie steps in and looks up as the doors close, Haymitch's grey eyes meeting hers. They both nod, knowing what they need to do.)_

* * *

" _Stay away from the Cornucopia." Sal reminds them._

_Dominique gives her one last hug. "I'm so sorry." She says, sadness in her eyes._

_And before Effie can ask why, the mentors are being pulled away._

_She looks at Haymitch as she steps onto her platform. "See you at the top, sweetheart." He says and gives her a quick grin, devoid of any emotion. "Stay alive."_

_Effie nods. "You too." And then she waits._

_(The sun blinds her when she gets to the top and she can hear the countdown as if she's underwater. Then she hears the blare and everyone stands still, taking in the beauty of the arena-_ and isn't there something so beautiful in dead things _? Effie thinks. She sees Haymitch running towards her, as soon as everyone is shaken out of their stupor and the bloodbath begins. She meets him half way, grabbing his arm, she snatches a knife and he snatches an axe and they run into the dense forest, away from all the bloodshed.)_

* * *

_That night, they're both sitting in an alcove, when they hear the cannons and the faces of dead tributes look down at them. She sees the two younger tributes from District Twelve and Effie's heart clenches. She places a hand over his. "I'm sorry." She offers her condolences._

_He nods but doesn't say anything. He just squeezes her hand tighter._

* * *

" _Come on, sweetheart." He mutters, grabbing her hand and pulling her along. "Put those long legs to good use and run faster."_

" _I am running." She snaps back, gripping the knife. "You know," Effie says conversationally, as she leans against a tree, struggling to get her breathing under control. "Why can't an arena ever be a beach? Sun, warm water and maybe even dolphins. Although, the dolphins would probably be mutated and programmed to kill you and the sand would probably try to suck you in and maybe the sun will blister you but I think-" Her words are muffled by a pair of rough lips and Effie almost drops her knife, instead, like it's the most natural thing in the world, she leans in and deepens the kiss._

" _Anyone ever tell you to shut-up, princess? Because you're yakking my fucking ears off."_

_She huffs at him and leans her head on his shoulder. "_ Rude."

_He laughs and Effie smiles._

_(For a moment, she forgets that they're fighting for their lives. But then they start running again.)_

* * *

_A few days later, she's collecting water from a stream and Haymitch is looking for a safe place to camp for the night when she hears a branch snap. Effie's eyes snap up and her hands tighten on the handle of her knife. She can hear the person before she feels them collide into her. She tries to side-step them but she's tackled and she lets out a shriek before a body is being pressed against hers, slamming her hand on the ground until she lets go of the knife._

_She kicks him and in a wild haze, she sees the boy from District One growling down at her, a feral look in his eyes and a hungry grin on his face. "I knew your screams would be so sweet,_ princess _."_

_Maybe it's the use of Haymitch's nickname for her, but Effie lets out another shriek, this time in anger and she balls her fist and punches him in the face, bringing her knee to meet his groin. He howls and lets her go and she gets up, trying to scurry away when she feels a hand grab her ankle. She sees the glinting sliver of the knife and she grabs it. Without thinking, she twists her body around and plunges the knife in the boy's throat. Hot red blood sprays on her and he's gurgling and she backs up, bile rising in her throat._

_He dies within seconds and she gets on her knees, creeping towards him silently and grabbing the knife from his neck. Her hands are trembling and she jumps when a cannon goes off, alerting everyone to his death._

" _I'm sorry." She whispers brokenly. "Oh God."_

_Her head snaps up when she hears a familiar male grunt. "Haymitch!" She yells. "Haymitch!" And then she's off running, leaving the nameless and dead boy from District One on the forest floor._

_When she finally gets to the clearing she sees another dead tribute from District One and Maysilee Donner, with blood on her knife and Haymitch on his back. She falls to her knees next to Haymitch, hands wandering, looking for any wounds. "I'm okay." He mumbles. He looks at her and gets up, grabbing her by the shoulders and inspecting her in the same way. "Are_ you  _hurt?" There is a panic in his voice and Effie shakes her head._

" _Not mine." She croaks. "District One. It was an ambush."_

_Haymitch curses and without warning he pulls Effie to him, in a tight hug that steals the breath from her lungs. Effie looks at Maysilee who is staring at them with wide eyes. "_ Thank you _." She says to Maysilee. "Three…three would be better than two."_

_Maysilee nods, accepting the alliance._

" _Great." Haymitch mutters. "Now there's two women."_

_Effie swats at his arm but still buries her head into his neck._

* * *

" _His girlfriend,_ ex-girlfriend _," Maysilee corrects herself one night while they attempt to sleep. Haymitch has first watch and the girls are cuddled close to one another, fending off the cold. "She's a friend of mine. She's a good person. She was good for him."_

_Effie closes her eyes and feels her chest tighten. "I'm sorry." Effie doesn't know what she's apologizing for. Maybe everything._

_Maysilee shakes her head and puts her forehead against Effie's. "I think you could be better for him." And then she chuckles. "But shh…don't tell anyone I said that." Maysilee shoots her a sarcastic smile and the absurdity of everything has Effie bury her head in her hands and start laughing. Maysilee joins her seconds later and Effie thinks she may have found a friend._

* * *

_They keep walking to the edge of the arena, Haymitch in the front and Maysilee and Effie bringing up the rear. He stops at the edge and Effie creeps closer to him, her eyes scanning it. She feels Maysilee stand next to her but Effie's eyes are for Haymitch who is looking so intently at it. "What do you see?" Effie asks._

" _There's nothing here." Maysilee announces. "Let's go back. There's nothing here."_

_Haymitch, after a few moments, shakes his head. "No. We're staying."_

"No," _Maysilee says, her blonde hair swinging side to side. "No, we're_ not _."_

" _Was talking about me and Effie." Haymitch shrugs. "Up to you whether you want to stay or not."_

_Maysilee turns her head and looks at Effie. Her eyes widen in disbelief when Effie looks at her apologetically and shifts closer to Haymitch. "There's_ nothing here _!"_

" _But there_ could  _be_ something _." Effie counters, briefly glancing at Haymitch who is still looking down at the edge, with a thoughtful expression on his face._

_Maysilee shakes her head and backs away from them. "I'm going back. I don't…I don't want to…" Tears pool in her eyes and she grabs Effie pulling her into a hug. "I know you care for him but please take care of yourself too."_

_Effie hugs her back tightly. "Stay alive."_

_Maysilee nods her head at Haymitch and then she leaves them._

_When they can't see her anymore, Haymitch kicks a pebble with his foot closer to the edge until it falls off. Seconds later it bounces back and she can hear his intake of breath, "_ I knew it _."_

" _What is it?" Effie asks confused._

" _It's a force field."_

_Before Effie can say anything else, a shrill and terrified shriek fills the air. Effie's breath catches in her throat. "_ Maysilee _!" Without thinking, Effie runs in the direction Maysilee took, ignoring Haymitch's yells for her to_ stop _and_ wait.

_Effie lets out a guttural scream when she comes upon the scene. She waves her knife around trying to get the birds away from Maysilee. "_ NO! LEAVE! STOP IT! MAYSILEE!" _Effie is sobbing, both from the birds that slice her arms and face with their razor sharp beaks and Maysilee's tortured screams._

_One bird flies in and slices Maysilee's throat open and just like_ that _, they all disappear and Effie collapses next to Maysilee, grabbing her body and pulling her into her lap. She puts her hand on her throat and Maysilee's blood coats her hands, staining them red. "No._ No. No. No _. Don't…" Her voice breaks and through her blurry vision, she sees Haymitch come to a halt and sink to his knees on the other side of Maysilee. "_ Help!" _Effie shrieks. "Please!_ Please!"

" _Effie." Haymitch says, his voice grave and emotionless. "She's dying."_

_Effie hugs her tighter. "I'm sorry." She says rocking her back and forth. "I'm_ so sorry." _Maysilee gurgles and her chest is racked with shaky breaths and Effie cries harder. When Maysilee finally takes her final breath, her body is still sprawled across Effie's legs with Haymitch's hands in one of hers. Effie bends forward and sobs until she feels like she's going to vomit. "It's not_ fair." _She cries. "It's not_ fair. _I'm sorry. I'm_ so sorry."

" _Effie." Haymitch says, pale faced. "We have to_ go _."_

_Effie nods and gets to her knees, arranging Maysilee on the ground, crossing her arms across her chest and shutting her eyes. She blinks rapidly when she sits on her knees, one hand over Maysilee's and she brings the first three fingers of her other hand to her mouth, smelling Maysilee's dried blood on her fingers, and kisses them, raising them to the sky._

_(Dominique made her watch some previous Games and she remembers Sal's vividly and she remembers at the end of his Games how he kisses his first three fingers and raised them to the sky and when Effie asked Dominique what that meant, she didn't tell her until they were on the roof later that night, "It's a sign of respect. He was giving respect to the lives lost and the lives that will continue to be lost.")_

_Haymitch is looking at her with barely concealed wonder, surprise and maybe something akin to admiration. He copies her gesture, grabs her hand and they leave Maysilee to birds chirping and a cannon blasting._

* * *

_That night, Haymitch holds Effie. "I'm tired." She whispers to him, hand across his chest, body trembling._

" _Me too, sweetheart. Me too."_

* * *

_It occurs to them the next morning that the two of them and a tribute from District One are the only ones left standing._

* * *

_The District One tribute first surprises Effie. Her eyes are wild as she tackles her and Effie uses her hands to slap her away, kicking and biting, trying to reach any sort of weapon. She finds a rock and her hand reaches it, swinging it to the tribute's head and hitting her in the temple. The tribute topples off of Effie and Haymitch barrels through the clearing as Effie is getting up and running to him._

_The tribute is up before Effie can blink and Effie is shouting for a knife, anything, when she sees Haymitch lunge at the girl, meeting her clash for clash. Effie can see Haymitch grab a knife from the waistband of his pants and he slices her across the face, her eye rolling to the floor and in slow motion, she sees the tribute swing her axe in feral retaliation and slice Haymitch's stomach open._

_Effie screams and without thinking, without any weapon, she attacks the tribute as Haymitch stumbles away, his hands holding his intestines in._

_Effie gasps, breath caught when she feels a blade stab her stomach. The tribute pulls the blade out and Effie slaps her and in one last ditch effort, she grabs the knife, fallen from the tribute's hand from her shock and stabs her in the side, her vision already starting to get blurry. She turns to Haymitch and he's on the ground, crawling towards the edge. She stumbles to him, dizzy and weak from the blood loss. "Haymitch." She calls out._

" _Get us to the edge. Effie, get us to that fucking force field."_

_Effie nods and almost collapses when she takes on Haymitch's weight. She lets out a strangled yelp and he looks at her weakly. "You're hurt."_

" _Just a cut." She lies._

_District One's tribute is following them, severely weakened by her own blood loss but nonetheless, still following them._

_The pain is becoming too much and Effie drops Haymitch at the edge as requested and she collapses on the floor, trying to staunch her blood loss. She can feel her body grow colder, can see dark spots in front of her eyes. She barely registers the District One tribute throw an axe in Haymitch's direction, Effie's scream catches in her throat, but Haymitch dodges it and sways. She hears the axe zip back up and she can almost hear the tribute's soundless scream as her own axe buries itself in her chest._

" _We won." Haymitch mumbles. "_ We won."

No _, Effie wants to tell him,_ you won _._

" _Effie?" She can feel Haymitch inch closer to her and she can almost hear his panic. "Effie?_ Effie? _Princess? Fuck._ FUCK. EFFIE?!" _He slaps her face._

_She opens her eyes and sees him, tears streaming from his Seam grey eyes. She brings a bloodied hand to his face, caressing his cheek. "I think," she says weakly, coughing and breath shallow, "You could have been the one."_

" _Stay alive." Haymitch orders, his hands clinging to his insides as he lies down beside her, forehead pressing against hers. "_ Stay alive _, sweetheart." She hears him choke back a sob and he covers her body with his. "You're different." He mumbles. "You made_ me _want to_ be _different. You made me want to_ live _." He presses a kiss to her lips and she wants to_ sob _because she's so weak and tired that she can't even kiss him back._

" _Stay alive." She whispers his words back to him, as she closes her eyes and welcomes the blissful darkness._

_(There is no more blood here.)_

_She hears a sorrowful wail and a cannon and then nothing at all._

* * *

_Effie can hear distant voices. They're distorted but she can see a light at the end and she blindly follows it._

_She sees people standing around her bed in grey clothing and she frowns as she blinks out the medication coursing through her veins._

_She sees an older man, with white hair and familiar blue eyes sitting on the chair next to her bed, hand in hers._

_She sees Dominique, hands balled into fists at her side, yelling at a man with a clipboard and hard eyes cutting into another woman, older than Dominique but not by much._

"Haymitch _." She lets out a groan, choking at the dryness of her mouth. Where is Haymitch?_

_They still and turn to look at her. The older man jumps up and is hovering over her. Lifting her head and pouring a little water down her throat. "Where's Haymitch? Where am I?"_

_Dominique makes her way to her other side, a glance exchanged with the older man. "Effie." Dominique says slowly. "Haymitch won the Hunger Games."_

" _So, I'm dead?"_

_The older man shakes his head. "No, darling. You're not." He looks at her with his familiar blue eyes and she feels like she should_ know him _._

_Dominique nods to him. "That's Emmanuel Trinket. You're grandfather."_

" _You're dead." Effie says bluntly. Her head is starting to hurt and she can feel panic in her chest. "My family is_ dead _._ You told me that _!" She accuses Dominique._

" _I said your_ parents _are dead. Some of your uncles, aunts and cousins too. But your grandfather and the rest of the Trinket's are_ here _."_

"Where is here _?" Effie asks exasperated, her body is still weak and she can feel the stitches in her stomach strain from her anger._

_The older man grabs her hand again and squeezes, not too tight, but tight enough that Effie feels it and she relaxes, instinctively trusting the man with a soft smile and blue eyes. "District Thirteen. Welcome to the Rebellion, Effie Trinket. We've been waiting for you."_

* * *

_(Effie takes to staying in her room, curled into a ball on her bed, ignoring any and all knocks from people. After a few days, she hears her door slide open and knows its Dominique because she's familiar with her soft footsteps and familiar scent._

_The older woman takes a seat at the edge of Effie's bed, hands folded on her lap. "I was the one who told Caesar about the supposed love angle."_

_Effie always thought so, but she never had the chance to ask her mentor. "Why?"_ Why would you do this to me? _Effie wonders._ Why would you do this to us?

_Dominique is silent and then she takes a deep breath. "Because we thought it was the right thing to do. We needed to send a message and we used the two of you to do it and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Effie."_

_Effie blinks and she takes in a shuddering deep breath. "Was it worth it?" She asks Dominique._

_Dominique doesn't answer and Effie thinks that neither of them truly know if anything is worth it anymore.)_

* * *

_It takes twenty-five long years for the Rebellion to turn into a Revolution._

_She's watched every single Hunger Games since her own and her heart clenches whenever she sees Haymitch._

_(Dominique has made it a habit to walk in unannounced into Effie's room. Effie doesn't mind too much. But today is different. Effie feels it the moment Dominique enters. Her posture is slumped, her eyes swollen from crying._

" _What happened?" Effie asks, her breath catches in her throat._

" _Oh Effie." Dominique says. "It's…Sal was found dead, hanging from a tree outside the Victor's Village in District Twelve. It was a suicide, they say."_

_Effie's blood runs cold and she mourns him. "It wasn't a suicide." She says numbly._

_Dominique shakes her head. "There's more." She croaks._

How much more can there be? _Effie wants to cry out._

" _Haymitch's family and his ex-girlfriend…they're dead. It was message from Snow."_

_Effie doesn't hear her, her vision losing focus and she sways, hands gripping her bare bureau and she breathes in heavily. She thinks of the older woman sobbing, the little boy shrieking with despair at Haymitch's Repaing and she thinks of the tanned skin, grey eyed, curly haired girl shedding tears._ This is my fault _, Effie thinks blindly,_  my fault. Our fault. Oh God. Haymitch, please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm so _-_

_She cuts off her apology with a scream that echoes throughout Thirteen and she continues shrieking, unknown words falling from her lips, first in denial, then in rage and then as pleas, until Dominique has her arms wrapped around her and they collapse to the floor. Effie tries to claw at the floor, tries to get out of Dominique's embrace, trying to escape, trying to get to Twelve. She can hear Dominique sobbing in her ear, both of their bodies shaking with unrestrained grief._

It's everywhere _, Effie thinks, before she feels a prick in her neck,_ grief is everywhere _.)_

_(They toss around who could be the face of their Rebellion when Effie refuses. "I'm dead, remember?" She tells them bitterly. She shakes her head at Finnick Odair. She shakes her head at Johanna Mason but she stands to attention when she sees a young girl, Katniss Everdeen volunteer for her sister. Her back is rigid and for one moment, Effie can see herself, twenty-five years earlier and she remembers her cousin's screams and her tear-stained face. She's reminded of the love and devotion for her cousin, for Haymitch, for Dominique, for her grandfather, for Maysilee and lastly, for Sal._

" _That's her." Effie croaks, nodding her head to the screen and she can see Coin, Dominique, her grandfather and everyone else in the Command Room look at her and then look at Katniss Everdeen. "That's the girl who will lead your revolution."_

" _How can you be sure?" Coin asks, eyeing her up and down. President Alma Coin has never liked Effie Trinket. She barely tolerates her grandfather and her grandfather has no problem in telling the woman to_ shut the fuck up _, but Effie knows where she's not wanted and honestly, she's just so tired and doesn't give a fuck anymore because she gave everything she had to the Hunger Games. She's giving everything she has to this rebellion and she's_ tired. _It's moments like these that she just wants Haymitch._

" _Because she has something to fight for. She has something to live for." Her eyes snap towards to the boy tribute and she can see the way his eyes follow Katniss and her heart_ breaks _. She looks to her grandfather. "Push a love story." Her voice is emotionless but her heart is thumping wildly in her chest, knowing that she is condemning these two innocent kids to a lifetime of heartache and horror. "The Capitol loved it once, they'll be twice as adamant about it now."_

_(She ignores Dominique's strangled gasp and her, "Effie, are you sure?")_

" _Because you know the Capitol." Coin replies vindictively._

_Effie's head snaps towards and she can see Dominique stand up, chair flying and finger pointing in Coin's direction, loathing clear on her face. Her grandfather stands next to Effie, shielding her from Coin's misplaced wrath. "What do you need, Effie?"_

_She turns her gaze to him, "Get hold of your contacts, sell them the love story. Make them make Seneca Crane believe in the love story. It could save them."_

" _Oh, Effie." Dominique says, her eyes sullen and apologetic. "He won't like it when he gets wind of it."_

" _He'll have to because he'll know better than anyone that you need the citizens of the Capitol on your side in order to survive the Games.")_

_From then on, Effie throws herself into the Rebellion, if only to ask Haymitch for forgiveness when and if she sees him again._

_When her grandfather finally tells her that Plutarch Heavensbee is his contact and he in turn relays it to Haymitch, Effie stares at him blankly and then with rage. She demands to be in contact with him but her grandfather declines her request._

" _Why not?" She argues, her voice rising._

" _Because he needs to concentrate on sponsors and Katniss and Peeta and the Rebellion. Trust me Effie. Just be patient. You need to…you need to wait."_

"I've waited twenty-five years _!" She shrieks in anger, frustration and heartache. She wants to yell more but she sees the pure agony in her grandfather's eyes and knows she's already on thin ice with Coin so, instead, she levels him with a betrayed glare and she slams every door she can get her hands on. She makes her way to her room angrily and sinks onto the floor, only lifting her head when she feels a presence next to her. She inhales Dominique's familiar smell and twenty-five years later, the older woman still holds her when the world becomes too much. "I miss him." Effie breathes. "I miss him so much and I'm so terrified that he's forgotten about me." She lets out a bitter laugh. "What does that make me?"_

" _Human." Dominique answers quietly, "It makes you human."_

* * *

_It takes another year, during the 75_ _th_ _Hunger Games before it really starts._

_Katniss blows up the arena and suddenly District Thirteen is greeted with an influx of Victors and Rebels._

_Haymitch, per Coin's command, is in the hospital ward, locked in a cell and going through withdrawal._

" _That woman," Effie seethes to Dominique, "is a fucking idiot."_

" _So, I'm not the only one who doesn't like her?" A voice, small but strong, is behind her and Effie whirls around to see Katniss Everdeen._

_Effie sucks in a deep breath. "Hello Katniss. I'm-"_

" _Effie Trinket." Katniss finishes. "I heard you're the true mastermind behind this Rebellion."_

" _No." Effie answers, her throat burning. "Just the mastermind behind the clusterfuck your life has become."_

_Katniss blinks. "He never said you never cursed."_

" _What?"_

" _Haymitch." Katniss answers, looking between Effie and Dominique, her eyes are drawn to Dominique's hand that immediately grasps Effie's in support. "He wouldn't talk about you but sometimes when he was really drunk, he would."_

" _Coin said he should be free within a week." Dominique tells Effie, as if reading her mind that she_ needs to see him _, she_ needs to talk to him _. She needs to apologize over and over again._

" _You're supposed to be dead." Katniss continues, Effie turns her head to the side, sucking in breath after breath, struggling to remember how to breathe. "Did I say something wrong?" Katniss asks bluntly._

" _No." Effie breathes out. "No, you didn't say anything wrong." She grabs Katniss and pulls her into a hug, overwhelmed with emotion._

_She doesn't let it show, but it surprises her when Katniss grips her back._

_(Dominique gives them space when they both start crying.)_

* * *

_The one week turns into two and she's in the Command room talking to Katniss who stays glued to her side, eyes looking at her inquisitively, but never asking any questions, when he walks in._

_("Our Escort made us watch yours and Haymitch's Games." Katniss tells her one night._

_Katniss has a habit of seeking Effie out, standing in the doorway of her room, until Effie sighs and follows her down endless hallways and tunnels. Sometimes they sit in closets. Sometimes behind pipes. Sometimes they sit in the empty cafeteria. But this night, Katniss enters her room and sits on her bed._

" _I'm sorry." Effie tells her again. She's been apologizing over and over again and still Effie doesn't think that's enough._

_Katniss shakes her head, legs dangling off the bed. She looks_ so young _like this. So afraid and lonely and anguished and Effie wants to hug her until they both can't breathe anymore. "Afterwards…" Katniss pauses and she takes a deep breath before raising her head and stares Effie in the eyes, "Haymitch, when he thought Peeta and I were asleep, I went back to get some water because I_ couldn't  _sleep and he was just…sobbing. And he had it on repeat and he was just...wrecked."_

_Effie's breath catches and tears sting her eyes as she sits up, head bent forward and body trembling. "Katniss…" Effie trails off, unsure of what to say._

" _I get it." Katniss states. "What you did. What you guys did. Why you did it. I mean," She shrugs and looks around her, "I did the same thing for Prim and I love Peeta, I know I do but Haymitch, he_ loves _you."_

_Effie lets out a sob and she can feel her chest concave in and she can feel Katniss sit next to her, arms wrapped around her and Effie leans in to her embrace. "All I want, all I've ever_ wanted _is to see him again."_

" _You love him." Katniss says._

_Effie nods brokenly, "_ So much.")

_Hearing his voice brings tears to her eyes. She stays with her back facing him, suddenly terrified of seeing him._

" _So," Haymitch says, his voice tired and cranky from the withdrawal, "Plutarch and Santa Claus told me I'd finally meet the mastermind behind the mockingjay idea."_

_Effie stills and Katniss grabs her hand, Dominique stares at her from her spot in a chair. She pats Katniss' hand and turns around slowly. "That," Effie says, her voice cracking. "Would be me. Hello Haymitch."_

_He doesn't look surprised and Effie turns her glare to her grandfather who covertly looks at Dominique who looks at one of her cousins who looks at Katniss who guiltily looks everywhere_ but _at her._

" _Hello, sweetheart." He steps forward and grabs her by the waist, ignoring Katniss' yelp and kisses her in front of everyone in the Command Room. Effie wraps her arms around his neck and almost sobs because everything is so familiar and different at the same time. She could spend forever in this moment if they were able to. He breaks the kiss but rests his forehead against hers and breathes in her scent. She clings to his arms, terrified of letting go, terrified that this is all an illusion, all a dream that she'll wake up from. His grasp around her waist tightens, reminding himself that she's real and_ alive _. "You kept me alive." He confesses to her quietly._

" _I think," she says, her voice just as quiet, the words forming familiar shapes to her mouth as if she's said them a million times over (and she_ has _,_ every night for the past twenty-five years _, she's repeated the words over and over,) "You're the one."_

_He kisses her again and she feels like she's finally come home._

* * *

When Effie wakes up, she's in pain. It feels like her body is on fire and for one blissful moment, she forgets what happened to her and then remembers. She remembers the dark cell, she remembers the torture and she remembers the screams. She fights against the monsters that haunt her peripheral vision until two hands grab her wrists.

"Effie! Effie! You're okay. You're safe."

It's the sound of his voice that calms her down. "Haymitch?" She croaks.

"Yeah, sweetheart, it's me." He looks exhausted, bags underneath his eyes and a beanie on his unruly hair. "You're safe. You're okay. No one will hurt you ever again." He kisses her temple. "I've got you, Effie. I've got you."

Effie feels someone else in the room and then she feels a prick in her neck and oblivion is soon chasing her. "I think," she mumbles into his neck, the words sounding familiar even though she knows she's never spoken them before, "you could be the one."

(And then she slips into a dreamless sleep.)

* * *

_You give yourself over to another body_

_That's all you want really_

_To be out of your own and consumed by another_

_To swim inside the skin of your lover_

_Not to have to breathe, not to have to think_

 


	6. Maybe for a while

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of the chapter and song are from Goo Goo Doll's 'Name'
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STICK WITH ME! This is the end folks! But have no fear, Hayffie is forever part of me now! I shall be back. But seriously, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH!

_And scars are souvenirs you never lose_

_The past is never far_

_Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?_

_Did you get to be a star?_

_And don't it make you sad to know that life_

_Is more than who we are_

* * *

In ends the same way it began.

Slowly, but surely and then all at once.

(She always used to find some sort of semblance of peace in her dreams.)

* * *

_The pain is insurmountable when she comes to. Every piece of her aches and all she wants to do is scream the pain away. (It worked before, back in the cells. She used to yell herself hoarse, until Johanna told her that, "those fuckers get off on hearing us scream. Don't fucking scream, Trinket. Don't give them anymore power than they think they have." Effie stopped screaming after that but she did cry when she was thrown back in her cell with Johanna's silent presence next to her. "You did good, Trinket. You did good.")_

_She can hear distant voices and she whimpers against the bright lights that are a sudden onslaught against her eyes. When she finally does open them, she blinks almost a dozen times until the figures become less static and more tangible. She sees a nurse she recognizes as Katniss' mother, she sees Johanna peering over her, eyes frowning, lips moving but voice still washed out._

_Then she turns her head against the sudden noise of metal scraping on the floor and all she can see are a pair of familiar grey eyes, looking at her worriedly, tiredly and in relief, mouth forming words and before she slips back into oblivion, she recognizes one of them, her name. "Effie." Haymitch mouths. "Effie." Effie._  Effie _._

_(_ EffieEffieEffi _e…his voice chases her in her mind, keeping the demons at bay.)_

* * *

_The next time she wakes up, there are no more voices and no more figures. Just the silhouette of a doctor and a couple of nurses. She's still not too sure where they are, all she knows is that she isn't being tortured (_ yet _, the darkest voice in her mind tells her,_ you aren't being tortured yet _.)_

_Her throat is parched and she coughs and sputters until there is a nurse flittering over her, carefully pouring water down her throat._

" _Ms. Trinket," The nurse starts and the way her eyes dart towards her chart, the doctor and the door, makes Effie's stomach plummet. "We're glad to see you're awake, President Co-" Something inside Effie snaps and she grabs hold of the nurse's wrist (the nurse, in shock, and maybe even surprise, grabs Effie's wrist in response, her grip surprisingly strong), eyes frantic, heart beating wildly, because she recognizes the name, even if it's not finished but_ why does she recognize it _?_

_(In the darkest part of her mind, rises a distant conversation, when Effie was in between consciousness and unconsciousness._

" _Is she better?" An unfamiliar voice says. Her voice is hard and unsympathetic._

_There is a familiar male snort. "What the fuck does it look like? She's unconscious still."_

" _Be that as it may," the woman continues. "I'm to be informed when she awakes at once. I will not waste resources on a Capitol citizen. You're lucky I even accepted her."_

_She hears an indignant shriek. "You_ fucking bitch _. You think she's_ lucky _? You think_ I'm  _lucky? Come over here and I'll show lucky, you dumb fuc-"_

" _That's enough Miss Mason." Another voice, this time male and tired and Effie can almost picture Plutarch taking a deep breath. "President Coin, Effie Trinket has been an invaluable support system to our Mockingjay. You cannot mean to-"_

" _Do_ not _." The woman says icily. "Presume to tell me what I mean. She_ will  _stand trial and be held accountable for her actions in the Games."_

" _Come anywhere near her," the first male voice speaks and Effie can almost imagine his grey eyes hardening and she can almost feel his presence at her side, "And you'll not only have to deal with the girl going fucking crazy right alongside the boy, but you'll have to deal with me and the rest of the Victors._ That _is a promise and a road_ you  _do_ not _want to go down.")_

"Get the fuck away from her _." Johanna snarls._

_Johanna has always been fierce. She has always been a force to be reckoned with and hostility has been her number one defense. Effie has never held it against her. She's always known it's in her nature. Effie has seen the young woman at her lowest and then lower than her lowest. She has seen her cry, vomit, bleed and scream all at once and whenever she could, Effie_ helped _. Johanna would attempt to slap her hand away, she would say cutting things that would have made the Old Effie cry, but Tortured Effie doesn't cry over words anymore. She doesn't think Tortured Effie could cry over anything anymore._

_For one moment, for one gut-wrenching heartbreaking moment, Effie thinks Johanna is talking to her and the hold she has on the nurse's wrist. But Johanna doesn't spare her a glance. She hobbles towards her bedside, dragging her morphling with her, eyes narrowing into slits at the nurse. "I said." Johanna repeats. "Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her. Or would you like to see up close and personal how I won my fucking Games?"_

" _President Coin wants to-"_

" _President Coin," Johanna snaps, sinking in a chair next to Effie's bed, "can go_ fuck herself. _I'm from District Seven. She's no President of mine."_

_The nurse leaves them and Effie sinks back into her bed, body trembling like a leaf. She frowns at Johanna. "You don't hate me." She lets the words tumble from her lips._

_Johanna sneers at her. "Now, let's not get too hasty. I hate Coin more than I dislike you. You're like the lesser of two evils."_

_For the first time in a long time, Effie laughs._

_(Johanna sinks back into her chair, the sneer falling from her face and a smirk replacing it.)_

* * *

_She finds that different people come stay with her. First Johanna, then Finnick, then Annie, when she's well enough. Katniss comes in everyday whenever she can escape Coin's clutches. Primrose keeps her company, legs tucked underneath her chin and gives her warm smiles. The last watch is Haymitch. He always slinks in after hours, when the hospital is dark. She makes out his outline and watches him with her eyes._

" _You should be sleeping." He tells her softly, as to not disturb the other patients. He closes the curtains around her bed and turns on the bedside lamp. It's not a strong light but it does enough to show his face. He looks tired. Worn down and exhausted. He sinks into the chair the others have occupied during the day and pulls it closer until Effie closes her eyes and soaks in his familiar smell. His eyes are bright and for one moment, Effie recognizes that he's sober._

_She feels elated and then she just hurts all over. "So should you." She croaks. She tries to be quiet, but her voice betrays her and she sighs, trying to lower her voice. "You look tired."_

" _Yeah," he snorts, "dealing with the fucking President and the kids, not to mention this little Rebellion, does that to a person." He closes his eyes when he sees her blink rapidly. "Fuck. Sweetheart, I didn't mean to snap."_

_She shrugs and the mere action sends shooting pain through her body. She sucks in a deep breath and then falls silent when the pain starts to subside. "Why did you leave me?" She asks, the question haunting her and likely haunting Johanna and Annie and Peeta (and_ oh God _, her chest hurts at the mere thought of Peeta.) Johanna is too crass for the question and Annie too delicate to even thinking of asking and Peeta is in no state of mind to even ask anything (she can still hear his screams, she can still feel his rage at her, at everyone when they threw her in a cell with him-_ but it wasn't him _, Effie thinks,_ it wasn't Peeta _.)_

_Haymitch sighs and lets his head fall between his knees. He's silent for a few moments, hand slowly but surely reaching for hers and because she's aching for human contact (for_ his _contact, she_  aches _for Haymitch, she's_ always _ached for Haymitch), she carefully interlaces their fingers until Effie isn't sure where she ends and he begins._

" _Because I wanted you to be safe."_ Because I thought you would be safe.

_She takes a shaky breath, heart thumping wildly and painfully in her chest. "Why did you rescue me?" And she knows it was him. She recognized his eyes and his voice when she was carried out of the holding cell._

_He gives her hand a squeeze. "Because I needed you to be safe."_ I needed to succeed where I failed before _, he doesn't say._

_She squeezes his hand back._ Thank you _, she communicates quietly._

* * *

_Coin orders her to play the Escort one more time, if she wants to keep her head._

_Effie can feel Johanna bristle from her bedside and the Victor clambers up, insults already sharp on her tongue but Effie knows that Coin has zero love for both Effie and Johanna and only tolerates them being here because the rest of the Victors do. "Johanna." Effie says before the younger woman can get a word in edgewise. "Johanna, it's fine. Sit down."_

_Johanna's head snaps back and forth between Effie and Coin and then she lets out a slew of curse words, limping back towards her bed._

_Effie looks at Coin and nods slowly. "I'll do it."_

_(Because Effie loves Katniss and she will do anything for Katniss especially since she knows that Katniss is going through a horrific time dealing with the loss of her sister. The loss of Primrose Everdeen is being felt by everyone who knew her.)_

_When Coin leaves, Johanna makes her way over to her again and grips the curtains by Effie's bed. "Playing the Escort again?_ My my," _Johanna's voice is mocking and vicious but her eyes hold a layer of worry,_ "how excited you must be!"

" _Johanna," Effie sighs. "I have to."_

" _You don't owe them shit." Johanna hisses. "They owe you. They owe us._ You don't owe them shit."

_Effie shakes her head and struggles to get up, shifting around and dangling her legs off the bed. It's taken too much energy out of her. She feels lightheaded and weak. Johanna doesn't help her nor was Effie expecting it. "You don't understand. You're a Victor. I am the Escort that may or may not live if I don't follow orders." She gives a hollow laugh and gestures towards the hospital and in the grander scheme of things, District Thirteen. "You're trading in one malevolent dictator for another. If you think the Games are going to end with Snow's execution, you're wrong. Because if the Games taught me_ one  _thing, Johanna, it's that power calls for more power. Blood calls for more blood and violence calls for more violence. I will spend the rest of my life atoning for my sins. You will live yours out in peace because you were on the right side all along."_

_Johanna sighs and leans against the chair, hands gripping it until her knuckles turn white. She lets out a humorless laugh. "We've escaped one hell only to be put into another."_

" _You'll be fine, Johanna." Effie assures her._

_Johanna throws her a dirty look. "If that woman was able to, she would have had my head long ago."_

" _Maybe," Effie says, giving her a small sardonic smile, "you should stop cursing so much."_

" _Fuck that shit!"_

_Effie lets out a bark of laughter until tears spill down her face._

_(_ And maybe _, she thinks,_ this is where she starts to heal _.)_

* * *

_She's staring at herself in the mirror. The clothes are two sizes too big for her and the shoes hurt her more than she remembers them hurting. Her bottom lip trembles and she shivers, alone in a big room in an even bigger mansion. She wonders if walls could talk, what would these ones say?_

_(She doesn't think they'd say anything so much as scream.)_

_The Capitol was her home. She used to love dressing up in vivid colors and painting her face and pinning back her hair only to add on a wig. She used to live and breathe and marvel at it all. She used to respect President Snow. She used to worship him. She takes another look in the mirror, breath shallow and suddenly the other people in the room are drowned out. The soldiers, Fulvia, everyone is drowned out. Her vision goes and with it, so does whatever is left of her sanity._

_She doesn't realize she's gripping a glass of water until she breaks it and pain laces through her hand and up her arm. The others still, gasps are heard and suddenly there is a commotion around her and all she can see is_ red _and all she can do is struggle for a breath that escapes her._

_There are familiar screams echoing in her ears and it takes her a moment to realize that those are_ her _screams from her time in prison._

_(Effie Trinket was never made to be in a cell but she ended up finding herself there anyways and she doesn't know if she'll find her way out.)_

" _Get the fuck out of the way. Can't you incompetent fucks do anything?" She hears Johanna and can see the outline of her as she fades in and out. "Fuck, Trinket. You're losing it. I fucking knew you weren't ready but did anyone listen to me?_ No. _Get Abernathy in here and get the fuck out." Johanna snaps. "_ NOW _."_

" _I can't…I can't…" Why can't she breathe? Why can't she see clearly? Why can't she hear? Why is she losing control?_ Why? Why? Why?

_In the back of her mind she hears whispers of post-traumatic stress disorder but she doesn't have a right, she doesn't have_ any _right._

" _I should have died." Effie laughs and it's manic and nowhere near sane but all she can see is_ red _. Red on her hand. Red on the white bureau and carpet. Red, as in the color of her tribute's blood as each and every single one of them died. She should have died instead of them. "You should have let me die."_

" _Shut the fuck up, Trinket." Johanna snaps, lightly smacking her across on her cheeks. "Snap out of it. Your Victors_ need _you. So, balls up."_

" _Thank you, Mason, for your endearing speech. You should look into becoming a motivational coach when this is all over." Haymitch says as he enters the room and sends the loitering people out, closing the door as the last one leaves._

" _Assuming we make it out alive if you're fucking Mockingjay sticks to the fucking plan and kills two birds with one stone." Johanna disappears from her view. "Take care of your Escort, I've been taking care of her long enough."_

_When the door closes again, Effie's vision is suddenly full of grey and she looks at Haymitch, her vision slowly coming back. "Breathe, Effie." He tells her, hands cupping her face. "I need you to breathe."_

" _I can't." She panics, her voice breaking and suddenly she thinks she's crying because her vision is blurry again but hot and stinging with salty tears._

" _You can. You have to. You_ can't _lose it, sweetheart. Katniss and Peeta are counting on you. Johanna is counting on you. I'm counting on you. Come back, Effie, you need to come back."_

_She sucks in a deep breath and then another and another, Haymitch softly encouraging her as he plucks shards of broken glass out of the palm of her hand and cleans her wound, wrapping it up tightly._

_Her body is still trembling when he pulls her closer to him, pressing his lips against her forehead and she clings to him, trying to anchor herself in a world she doesn't belong in anymore. "Sometimes," she tells him quietly, "I wish I died."_

_He's quiet for a moment but he hesitantly pulls her into his arms until she's wrapped inside his embrace and she takes in a broken and shaky breath, closing her eyes against the sudden living nightmares. "Me too, sweetheart. Me too."_

_(Before he leaves, he watches as she fixes her makeup, only to struggle when she can't do it one-handed. He helps her where he can. They're silent, staring at each in the eyes and then staring at each other through the mirror, shards of broken glass still littering the bureau and carpet._

" _When this is all over," He tells her quietly, "I'm taking you to Twelve."_

" _When this is all over," She replies, "I'll let you.")_

* * *

_Katniss kills Coin and then Snow._

_A war is fought and won._

_Families are torn apart, people going their separate ways._

_Haymitch is charged with bringing Katniss back to Twelve while Peeta stays in the Capitol for his recovery._

_(She doesn't go with Haymitch to Twelve, instead, opting to stay with Peeta._

" _I don't like it." Haymitch snaps._

" _Oh, for fuck's sake." Johanna snaps back, baring her teeth. "I'll be staying with the fucking twit until loverboy over there becomes_ less _of a psycho."_

" _Johanna." Effie admonishes._

" _Because I trust you can take care of them so well." Haymitch replies sarcastically, hands moving around him._

_Johanna stands up quickly, the chair she was sitting on flying backwards, clanging on the ground. "Because_ you _took care of her-of_ us _-so well that you fucking_ left us  _at the hands of the_ Capitol _._ We  _took care of each other in there. I may not fucking stand her, but_ we took care of each other _. We_ survived _while you were cozy in your fucking bunker hell-hole. So,_ fuck the hell off, _Abernathy. Don't you_ dare _tell me that I can't take care of them."_

_Effie's hand is on Johanna's arm, reeling her back in and for a moment, Johanna lets herself be hugged and then the moment is over. Both of them pretending the small embrace didn't happen. "Take Katniss home, Haymitch. Peeta and I will follow as soon as time permits it.")_

_She watches them go (and it's like she said, families have been torn apart.)_

* * *

_She watches as Peeta packs almost seven months later. She's been packed for days now and she knows Johanna and Annie are anxious to leave the Capitol. She watches as Peeta checks and double checks his luggage. He looks up at her with haunted eyes that will never return to how she remembers them and she gives him a small smile. "Are you ready?"_

_Peeta nods with relief. "I just want to go home."_

" _Me too." Effie tells him. "Me too."_

_(The two of them, Johanna and a heavily pregnant Annie make their way to the train station. The four of them stand in a circle in front of their trains, staring at each other, no words being expressed as the station bustles with so much life, it's almost overwhelming._

_Annie doesn't bother wiping away the tears. "I won't…I won't forget what happened."_

" _You're crazy." Johanna says bluntly. "You don't know the difference."_

" _I know we're family." Annie retorts softly._

" _How many times do I have to tell you-"_

" _She's right." Effie interrupts, putting an arm around Peeta and Annie, staring across at Johanna. "We're family. We're all a family." Because what the four of them went through, they will_ never _forget._

"Families die _." Johanna hisses and Effie can see her blink rapidly._

" _Not this time." Effie tells her. "We're_  alive _. We_ survived _. And that has to mean something."_

" _It does." Peeta speaks up, leaning into Effie's embrace._

" _It means I'm never getting rid of any of you." Johanna sighs, runs a hand through her growing hair and looks at Annie. "We need to catch our train."_

_Annie hugs Peeta and Effie as best she can and the three of them cry._

_Johanna stares at them blankly. "I'm not going to cry."_

_Effie smiles at her. "Take care of yourself, Johanna."_

_Johanna nods at her. "If Abernathy does anything stupid. Call Annie."_

_Annie smiles through her tears. "I'll tell Jo and she'll get her axe."_

" _Fuck, you really are crazy aren't you?"_

_Peeta and Effie watch Johanna and Annie until they can't see them anymore and then they get on their own train._

_They don't say goodbye, because they're family and families don't say goodbye to each other.)_

* * *

_The train pulls into District Twelve in the early evening, as dusk is settling and Effie watches as Katniss makes her way to Peeta, first slowly and then quickly until she's standing in front of him, a torrent of emotions on their faces._

_Peeta traces the lines on her face and then suddenly, they're both a mash of bodies, hugging until Effie is sure neither of them can breathe._

_She feels a tug at her hand and when she turns, she sees Haymitch and she releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding in for seven months. She gives him a smile, heart thumping wildly. "I'm home." She says._

_He lets out a smile and it's almost shy and Effie feels her heart explode and she can almost imagine their whole lives ahead of her. "Welcome home, Effie."_

_(Effie. Effie._ EffieEffieEff _-)_

* * *

"Effie? Effie? Sweetheart, come back to me." Effie blinks and turns her head; blue eyes catching worried grey ones. She watches as Haymith lets out a sigh and runs a hand through his graying hair. "Thought I lost you there for a moment."

She shakes her head, memories falling away. "Just remembering."

"Want to talk about it?"

They've talked about it so much that her voice becomes hoarse just thinking about talking about it even more. She remembers those nights vividly, when she would wake from a nightmare, screaming until her throat felt like ripping open and when she would claw at Haymitch, imagining him to be something he's not and she almost desperately wishes for dreams of different worlds and different sides of her that never really existed.

_And that,_  she thinks,  _is what hurts the most_. She once dreamed (and even though she holds on to the last images of who she thought she could be and who her subconscious made her out to be, little glimpses and periods of such vivid déjà vu, nearly always takes her breath away) so much and so colorfully, it pained her to wake up.

Now it pains her to go to sleep.

"No." She says quietly, leaning her head against the window and watching as the wind gently blows the leaves scattered on the ground.

Autumn in Twelve is nice. She feels the chill in the air and she's taken to wearing Haymitch's clothes more often than not, but it's nice. (She thinks her favorite season is winter when the wind howls and snow covers the ground. It's blinding sometimes, but so real, that Effie sometimes gets lost looking at it.)

She turns her head and glances at Haymitch as he takes a sip from the bottle dangling from his fingertips. He never stopped drinking, he just drinks less. She doesn't stop reprimanding him for his lack of manners and the fact that he's just so chaotic sometimes. They fight a lot, their voices rising until Katniss and Peeta sometimes barge in, eyes wild.

(She doesn't know what started the argument, just that it did start and it didn't seem to dwindle. It would have put them on the year mark of her moving to Twelve and into his house and she felt something brewing, something rippling underneath her smiles and his drinking and her screams, refusing to tell him what happened to her.

And then one day, he snapped and she snapped and then they started screaming.

Before she knows it, Haymitch is coming closer to her, venomous words spitting from his mouth and she can smell the whiskey from her spot and Effie doesn't hold back, the rage fueling itself. She can vaguely hear the front door being slammed open and all she sees is a blur of blonde hair in front of her, hands on Haymitch's chest and shoving him way. "Don't touch her!" Peeta growls. "Leave her alone! Leave her alone!"

They stand shocked, until Katniss moves and grabs Haymitch's arm, yanking him towards her and away from Peeta and Effie and Effie's breath catches in her throat as she looks into Peeta's wild eyes. She turns him around, ignoring Haymitch's warning for her to not get so close. "Peeta." She says quietly, grabbing his hands and holding them in hers. "Peeta it's fine. I'm fine. He's not hurting me. We're just arguing. It was just an argument." Peeta rocks back and forth on his heels.

"You were screaming." Peeta says hoarsely, covering his ears and shaking his head. "You were screaming and I couldn't do anything."

Effie feels tears burn her eyes as she pulls him to her. "It's okay. I'm okay. You're okay. We're okay."

After Peeta calms down and he apologizes to Haymitch for his brute strength, he and Katniss depart, leaving Effie and Haymitch alone.

She sighs and gets up, Haymitch's eyes watching her. She outstretches her hand to him and he grabs it without hesitation, depositing his bottle of liquor on the table as she drags him up the stairs and into his, sometimes hers, bedroom. She gets changed into her nightgown and he strips down to his tattered boxer shorts and they climb into bed. Effie wraps herself around him and in quiet whispers, she tells him what happened to her.

She can feel his anger and despair and his sense of failure when it comes to not being able to save her and them, but she turns her head and kisses him deeply, until he pulls her on top of him and she thinks this is better than any dream.)

They hardly stay angry at each other for long, the pull between them pushing them together more often than apart.

"I used to dream about you." She confesses, she can feel a frown as she tries to remember dreams that don't quite come back to her.

He cocks an eyebrow at her and she giggles, turning her head into the glass. She allows herself to be pulled into him, when he grabs her hand and yanks her into his chest. He smells like the woods and whiskey and the cool crisp autumn air. "You don't have to dream anymore sweetheart, I'm right here. I'll always be right here." He takes in a deep breath and she can feel his nose in her hair and one of his hands cradles the back of her neck with the other one around her waist until she is completely enveloped by everything Haymitch. She could die happily in his arms, she thinks. "I…you're everything to me, Effie."

Her breath catches and there is something so familiar about this statement, something so poignant behind it and she wants to weep, because she can hear the sentiment, she can hear the meaning behind it. ' _I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.'_

She buries her head into his chest. "I think," she says, the words falling from her mouth with such familiarity, it terrifies her. "You're the one."

She feels him smile in her hair.

"Let's go to bed, sweetheart."

(When she goes to sleep that night, she doesn't dream.)

* * *

The longer time passes, the more distant her dreams become. They don't disapeear completely but sometimes they come in spurts and she blinks them away, visions dancing behind her eyelids rapidly that it almost doesn't make any sense to her.

Then she hears the little shrieks from Katniss and Peeta's children and little Finn and she hears Peeta warning them about being careful, Katniss groaning, Haymitch laughing, Johanna cursing, and Annie giggling.

She leans against the counter, spying the living room being upended with childlike chaos but Effie smiles, her heart so heavy with the love for her family in the other room. She smiles brighter when she sees Haymitch giving her a wink and a smirk.

(She doesn't dream anymore and she finds she doesn't have to.)

* * *

_I still can't turn away_

_Cuz all the dreams you never thought you'd lose_

_Got tossed along the way_

 


End file.
